raising a child with depression: what every parent needs to know
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these reflections are about my lessons with maddie and what i wish i’d known sooner.
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parenting a teenager is tough, even on the best of days. but when your teen is struggling with depression, it’s an entirely different challenge—one that’s filled with heartbreak, confusion, and moments of profound helplessness. i know this because i’ve lived it. i walked that journey with my daughter, maddie, who struggled deeply with depression before we lost her in 2015.
through my experience, i’ve come to understand that supporting a teenager with depression requires us to let go of the instinct to “fix” everything and instead focus on listening, being there, and celebrating small victories. it’s about navigating through the darkest days while holding on to hope, even when it feels impossible.
i want to share some of the lessons i’ve learned through this journey—not to dwell on loss, but to offer insight, encouragement, and practical advice for parents who are walking this difficult path. together, we can learn to be more present, to celebrate the wins, and to help our kids find their way, one small step at a time.
going through what we went through with maddie has given me skills i didn’t know i had. sadly, my skill set has improved dramatically since we lost her. some come from self-reflection, some from hard-earned experience, and a lot from trial and error. parenting is tough, and it’s humbling. our parents likely didn’t raise us how we’re expected to raise this generation of kids. but we live, we learn, and we grow
1. it’s not about fixing—it’s about listening
one of the most important lessons i learned as maddie’s dad was that she didn’t always need me to solve her problems—sometimes, she just needed me to listen. i remember nights when maddie would talk about her struggles, and my first instinct was to try and fix things, to find solutions. but she needed more than anything for me to be there, to hear her out without trying to jump in with advice. i think that’s one of the hardest parts of being a parent—we want to protect our kids from pain, but sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is sit with them in their pain, without judgment, without solutions, just being there.
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2. small wins are big wins
with maddie, there were days when simply getting up and going to school felt like a huge achievement. depression has a way of making even the simplest tasks feel monumental. i learned to celebrate the small wins—when maddie got out of bed, when she made it to a family dinner, or even when she laughed at a joke i made. each of those moments mattered. they were steps forward, and recognizing those steps helped her feel seen and supported. it wasn’t about expecting perfection but showing her that progress was worth acknowledging, no matter how small.
3. emotions aren’t always logical
there were many times when maddie’s emotions didn’t make sense to me. like when she’d have an incredible day—full of smiles and laughter—and then suddenly, without warning, everything would come crashing down. it took me a while to understand that depression doesn’t follow logic. what seemed like a great day to me could still feel dark to her beneath the surface. i had to remind myself that her feelings were real, even if i didn’t always understand them. once i let go of needing everything to make sense, i could support her more authentically.
4. prioritize your own mental health too
one of the hardest lessons i learned was that i couldn’t help maddie if i wasn’t okay myself. supporting her through her struggles took everything out of me at times, and i found myself on edge, anxious, and worn out. i realized that i needed help too. talking to a therapist helped me find ways to cope and stay present for maddie without burning myself out. it’s not easy as a parent to admit you’re struggling, but taking care of your own mental health is essential—your child needs you to be strong, and sometimes that means seeking your own support.
5. understand the difference between sadness and depression
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one thing i learned while supporting maddie was that depression is not just sadness. there were days when maddie seemed completely fine—she would laugh, joke around, and you wouldn’t know anything was wrong. but depression is much deeper than having a “bad day.” it’s a persistent weight that doesn’t just lift with a laugh. maddie’s humour was always infectious, and those moments of laughter were so important, but they didn’t mean the struggle wasn’t there. understanding this difference helped me see when she needed more than just a smile or a distraction—when she needed real help.
6. don’t take rejection personally
there were times when maddie didn’t want to talk and times when she pushed me away, and those moments were hard. as a parent, you want nothing more than to be the person your child turns to, and when they don’t, it can feel like rejection. but i had to remind myself that maddie’s need for space wasn’t about me but what she was going through. when she needed distance, i ensured she knew i was still there for her whenever she was ready. it wasn’t easy, but staying consistent and patient helped her trust that i’d be there no matter what.
7. depression isn’t always visible
i remember how proud i was when maddie competed in her swim meets. she was a competitive swimmer at the provincial level and had early success in the pool. on the surface, everything seemed perfect—she was driven, capable, and talented. but that didn’t mean her struggles weren’t there. i remember her last swim meet where maddie didn’t place on the first day. she was so discouraged that she didn’t want to return the next day, and eventually, she quit swimming. i wish i’d known then how much was weighing on her beneath the surface. depression isn’t always something you can see. maddie seemed to have it all together, but inside, she struggled.
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8. foster open conversations, but respect their boundaries
with maddie, i learned the importance of creating a safe space for her to open up when she was ready. maddie and i would have our movie night together. we’d watch some classic favourites of mine. it was easy just hanging out. there were times when i tried too hard to get her to talk, and i could see her shutting down. eventually, i learned to give her space while letting her know i was always there, ready to listen without pressure. one of our most meaningful conversations happened because she decided she was ready and knew i’d be there. i learned that you can’t force these moments—you can only make sure your child knows you’re always available when they need you.
9. build a “toolbox” of coping strategies
when maddie was struggling, we worked on finding different ways to cope. swimming had been one of her outlets, but we needed to find something else when she quit. we tried different things—writing, music, going for walks. some worked, some didn’t. it was all about building a “toolbox” of things she could turn to when she was feeling overwhelmed. every teen is different, and finding what works takes time. but having those tools can make all the difference when the weight of depression feels too heavy.
10. depression can impact school performance—communicate with teachers
maddie was always bright, but when her depression was at its worst, her school performance suffered. we learned the importance of communicating with her teachers and letting them know what she was going through so they could support her in the needed ways. teachers and guidance staff can be allies but must know what’s happening. by working together, we adjusted expectations, extended deadlines, and ensured maddie didn’t feel overwhelmed or left behind. we felt like they really cared and they did.
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11. look at how far they’ve come—measure backwards
one of the things i wish i had known earlier is the importance of measuring progress by looking at how far maddie had come, rather than how far she still had to go. after maddie decided to quit swimming, it was easy to focus on what she was giving up, but in hindsight, i wish i’d celebrated all she’d already achieved. she had been in the pool eight times a week for years, and her dedication was incredible. it’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on what’s next, but sometimes, we need to pause and celebrate the journey—the courage it took for her to show up every day, her successes, and her resilience. thank you, dan sullivan and ben hardy, for your brilliant idea from the gap & the gain. i wish i had these tools when maddie was struggling.
12. ease off the accelerator—but don’t slam on the brakes
when maddie decided to quit swimming, she wanted to walk away completely. in hindsight, i wish i had helped her find a middle ground—maybe a less intensive program where she could still enjoy the water without the pressure. she went from being in the pool eight times a week to not at all, and i think losing that sense of routine and purpose was hard on her. sometimes, our kids need to ease off the accelerator, but slamming on the brakes can leave them feeling lost. it’s about finding a balance that helps them keep a sense of accomplishment without overwhelming them.
these reflections are about my lessons with maddie and what i wish i’d known sooner. parenting a child with depression is never easy, but understanding, patience, and celebrating every step—no matter how small—can make all the difference.
chris coulter is an accomplished author, renowned for his book “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide.” as a passionate advocate for mental health, he has delivered impactful keynote speeches at numerous conferences. motivated by personal tragedy, chris lost his daughter, maddie, to suicide in april 2015. he currently serves as an advisor and formerly the executive director of how are you feeling, a non-profit organization focused on social-emotional learning, helping children navigate and comprehend their emotions effectively.
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this article was originally published on october 6, 2024.
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