robichaud: mitch marner, men's mental health and listening without judgement
4 minute read
a significant number of young men (16-29) believe asking for help with mental health is a sign of weakness, according to a joint report from mental health research canada (mhrc) and greenshield.
adobe stock
stay up to date on this topic
when nhl player mitch marner admitted to the media that he had experienced “dark times” throughout his polarizing hockey career, i immediately got my guard up.
as a fan of the toronto maple leafs, marner’s former team, i was offended and defensive. what did he mean he had “dark times” while making millions of dollars for his hometown team? being in the midst of a deep playoff run with the las vegas golden knights, marner said he would elaborate once the playoffs were over.
fans and media alike took a defensive posture around marner’s comments. i shared the sentiment. if he wins a stanley cup in his first season with a new team, would he blame the leafs for those bad times he had experienced? if he lost, would he decline to elaborate?
well, we know what happened. the knights lost in the stanley cup final to the carolina hurricanes. marner didn’t speak immediately after the loss, but days later he shed a light on the dark times and mental-health challenges he’s faced.
“mental health is a super important thing to me. it really is. i’ve been really trying to take care of my mental health, probably for the last five years or so. i’m really thankful that i’ve had some unbelievable teammates around me in toronto that i was able to talk to. express myself,” marner said, as quoted by danny webster of the las vegas review-journal. “there was some really dark moments there that, you know, the thought of playing hockey was really tough in a lot of ways.”
“you should never be afraid to talk about your emotions and talk about your fears and what you’re going through,” he continued. “so i’m super thankful i had a lot of people in my life that i could talk to and share things, and it made me better.”
shame on me, because i’m not that brave.
i don’t know if i could sit and share intimate details about my mental health just days after losing the biggest hockey game of my life (or at all, for that matter).
advertisement
masculinity that has become toxic
it made me think about how we as a society instinctively challenge the premise of another man’s mental-health challenges before accepting and listening to what they’re going through. why is that? why do we need an ironclad explanation before accepting that another man might need support?
it’s already bad enough that a significant number of young men (16-29) believe asking for help with mental health is a sign of weakness, according to a joint report from mental health research canada (mhrc) and greenshield.
that same report also reveals that 40 per cent of young men who needed help did not access any support, and 49 per cent of young men who did stopped using it early.
i’d like to say that this is a result of toxic masculinity, but i believe it’s more a product of masculinity that has become toxic.
growing up, i looked up to manly men. i aspired to be like the toughest athletes. i watched professional wrestling with my grandma! there was nothing wrong with many of these role models at the time (there were a few things wrong with some of them, but that was the attitude era).
what i didn’t realize at the time is that you rarely got to see any vulnerability in all of these men. it was all toughness, all the time. the moment you showed any weakness, physically or mentally, you were bested by your competition.
as i’ve gotten older, like we all do, you realize that’s impossible. i also realized some of these men did show vulnerability, i just wasn’t paying attention. macho man himself said “it’s ok for macho men to show every emotion available. … i’ve cried 1,000 times and i’m going to cry some more.”
we listen and we don’t judge: the fight against stigma
there’s a funny social media meme where families or groups of friends will repeat the mantra “we listen and we don’t judge” before revealing embarrassing truths about themselves. it’s all in good fun and it seems to bring people together.
advertisement
and while the admissions are often harmless and playful, the premise is something we should apply to men’s mental health.
“we listen and we don’t judge.”
listening is the first step to opening the door for more men to share their story and seek help. it is also one of the strongest tools we have to reduce stigma.
according to a consolidation of studies on men’s mental health and the role of stigma published in the national library of medicine, men are less likely to seek help because of the perceived stigma that comes with mental-health challenges. this stigma is both self-inflicted and a product of society—with a large contingent being other men.
the studies also highlight that showing vulnerability and seeking help is in direct conflict with masculine characteristics like “self-sufficiency, control and rationality over emotionality.”
listening and creating spaces for men to be heard is how we will continue to break down barriers for support and have constructive conversations. it’s how we can learn more about each other as men and lean on each other when we need to.
“people want you around, that’s what i always say. people want you in their life. you should never be afraid to talk about your emotions and talk about your fears and what you’re going through,” marner added at his year-end press conference (h/t danny webster). “so i’m super thankful i had a lot of people in my life that i could talk to and share things, and it made me better.”
share story
