parenting under pressure: how coaching helped one mom bridge the gap and better support her son in school
9 minute read
janet koukoulitakis left her job as a travel agent to spend more time taking care of her 13-year-old son jake, who has severe hemophilia and is on the autism spectrum.
supplied
stay up to date on this topic
you know that gut-clenching feeling when your child’s school is calling you? are they sick, did something happen? it’s stressful, especially if you’re in the middle of your workday and need to drop everything to pick them up.
if it happens a lot, how is it affecting your job and ultimately your career success? and how is your child handling school?
janet koukoulitakis knows this situation all too well. her 13-year-old son jake has severe hemophilia, where his blood doesn’t clot, so any cut or fall can be a threat. he is also on the autism spectrum, which has added another layer of concern and adjustment for school.
“when jake was younger he wasn’t very verbal and didn’t like going to school. he would wander out of class trying to leave. he would also get frustrated and start crying,” says janet, who lives with her son in toronto. she left her job as a travel agent to stay at home with jake full-time to manage his medication and other therapies, but when she and her husband separated in 2019, she needed to get back to earning an income. as a single parent with her son, she works at a metro grocery in system pricing and signage and juggles the constant worry of challenges at his school – and getting the urgent call to take him home.
“with his condition, everything was just a battle with the school system and it was hard being alone at home,” she says. she’s been called to his school most often because of his hemophilia, when staff would be nervous if he fell or bumped into anything. “last year he fell leaning backwards in his chair and bumped his hip. he told the teacher he couldn’t get up because it hurt. the teacher called me and i took an uber from work to get him. he turned out to be embarrassed from falling in front of the whole class.”
other times, jake gets into a repetitive speech loop that ends up being disruptive to the class or has anxiety about interacting with the other students.
advertisement
the result has been a strain on all aspects of their lives. janet has a lot of mom guilt because she doesn’t have enough quality time for jake to talk about his day or she falls asleep before she finishes reading to him at night. she’s taken a leave of absence from work since july because of her own stress and anxiety – so she can focus on her son’s applications for high school that are due this november. grade 8 is a pivotal year for him. “i’m thinking, how do i cope with everything happening? i needed to leave work,” she says.
struggling parents don’t know where to turn
working parent stress is a huge problem. according to a study by mckinsey, of the more than 20 reasons given for leaving their job, parents said caring for family is in the top five. they are often stretched too thin and can’t give their full attention to either their work or family responsibilities. this leads to emotionally charged guilt and negativity about balancing jobs and care of their children. most say they feel exhausted and overwhelmed.
when you add in the complexities of academic, disciplinary, social and emotional challenges of your kids at school, parents can feel at a loss.
“parents don’t know where to turn,” says julie aube, an educator with the toronto catholic district school board for 22 years, and elementary school principal for the last 15 of those years. “maybe the parent was in a school meeting and didn’t get all the information, and they’re a little bit in a panic mode and they go home and don’t know what to do. they’re trying to figure out the next steps but they’re going to have a restless night. or maybe they’re wondering about their child’s reading or their academics.”
parent pulse: coaching and strategies for parents
parents don’t necessarily need a therapist or a psychologist for talk therapy to help them cope, but they could use some suggestions and strategies for navigating their child’s school, she explains. recognizing the need for parent support and empowerment to advocate for their kids, julie launched parent pulse, a coaching service for parents for virtual conversations with current or retired educators from a school board in ontario. they have the lived experience of working with kids, understanding development, and helping kids and families address concerns so they can feel better about the school experience.
advertisement
“school can be a mystery for so many. what goes on behind those four walls? for a person who’s not in the space, it is a mystery,” julie says. “for us as educators, it becomes so natural, but for someone who’s not in our system, it’s confusing and can be really scary because it’s about your child.”
she has countless examples from her time as a principal, like the dad in a business suit dropping his daughter at school every day where she could tell it was a struggle, but the girl was a great student. julie reached out to the dad to ask if everything was ok and he told her, ‘it’s so unpleasant in the morning and i’ve got to go.’
“it was starting off his day on a rough start. and you don’t just walk through the doors of work and forget all of that. we’re parents 24/7 and we’re always concerned about how our kids are doing.”
it turned out, it wasn’t school, but the seven-year-old needed something to get excited about to ease the morning transition. she became a helper in the school office in the mornings, which made her feel more a part of things.
as julie points out, work-through strategies and expert advice for parents when their child is struggling, or just to help their child through their journey, can be far more beneficial than using a meditation app or getting a massage. part of the coaching, though, is checking in about how the parent is coping and what they’re doing for their own self-care. “this is a big piece that can easily get overlooked.”
parent pulse coaches go through additional training for dealing with anxiety – a growing issue for kids and teens – and can also take specialty training offered by the company to help families with autism, adhd, or newcomers to canada.
“i learned so much by working with the parents who are newcomers,” julie notes of her years at the school board. “it’s a hard transition already to come into a new country and maybe the spouse is back home and you have a parent with her three boys on her own. not only is it overwhelming, but they want to maintain their culture and their values, and then their children are in a new society that can be just so different. so parents are wondering ‘how do i manage that?’” her roster includes coaches who speak french, italian, spanish and tagalog, with plans to broaden the offerings.
advertisement
another benefit of the service is connecting parents to other professionals linked to the company, including social workers, speech pathologists, occupational therapists and dietitians. parents would start with a coach and other professionals could become part of the tailored treatment plan.
“when people like our clients are sharing and having those conversations with us and opening up, there’s a real sense of peace that i think we offer them. that’s where their shoulders are relaxed and they say, ‘ok, i can do this.’”
janet has been connecting with one of the education coaches for the past few months, building confidence and a clear path for helping her son plan for high school. “going through all this, i was just not handling things at all. let me tell you what a blessing the coaching has been for me because it is now like i’m able to see it. and i can see going back to work very soon because of it, too,” she says, adding she’s also thinking of having some counselling for jake to help with his anxiety that’s increased with puberty. essentially, she feels more capable and ready for the challenges ahead.
bridging the gap between parents and schools
shemin jaffer, an elementary and secondary school teacher and guidance counsellor in her 20 years with peel district school board in peel region, is a coach with parent pulse who also does supply teaching in peel region and toronto high schools. she recognizes the parent struggle and the need to build relationships with teachers and administrators from experience. “we want to be collaborative because ultimately kids are in school and we need to be able to work with school not only this year, but in the next years and foster a relationship.”
going in angry and confrontational to a school meeting or phone call is not a helpful approach – although it happens. again, parents are tired, stressed and emotional about their kids.
advertisement
“it’s a combination of many things, but just how to broach a topic with a teacher, how to talk to a teacher, how and when to talk to an administrator. parents can be really nervous or intimidated when they’re talking to teachers, or they’re overly emotional. then it’s not a free-flowing conversation and not a collaborative experience, so it can be negative,” shemin explains. she’s always been passionate about the education system caring about kids and devoted to giving them what they need to succeed.
“if you want to fix something, it needs to start at school,” she says of creating a positive, healthy experience for kids. “coaching is really guiding parents in terms of having clarity of their own thoughts and how to broach the right conversations with teachers and how to access resources if they need them.”
for example, shemin helps parents with writing emails and developing questions for teacher meetings if their child needs an assessment, for example, to determine a learning disability or help with academic achievement or reading level.
“there are kids who are graduating, who maybe have a grade 4 or grade 5 reading level. as a teacher in a school, i take leadership when i see that there are students in those situations. then it’s about bringing in guidance, talking about graduation and talking to students because this is life-impacting. the coaching provides clarity for parents in setting next steps and prioritizing, ‘how do we want to do this? who do we want talk to?’ whether this is recovering literacy or numeracy skills.”
she also raises the key point that often parents don’t know that there may be a problem at school or that their child isn’t coping well.
how well do you know your child? and what really happens during the day at school?
these realities get even tougher when your child moves from one main teacher in elementary school each year to having four different teachers in high school each semester. who do you talk to?
advertisement
shemin’s coaching could be directing parents to who best to approach at school to open the lines of communications and gather information. she might also be helping parents connect with their children and have real conversations with them. that alone can be foundational for their growth and development.
“it’s really fostering that need to talk with the right people about your kids, and creating a relationship that’s deep and meaningful with your own kids.”
to learn more about parent pulse and how their coaching services can support parents, visit their website.
share story
