parenting through teen mental health challenges: navigating the storm
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chris coulter, right, and his daughter maddie.
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i couldn’t wait to get into my car after leaving north york general hospital’s youth adolescent mental health unit. my 14-year-old daughter, maddie, had been staying there for the past month after her second suicide attempt.
i wanted to sequester myself from any onlooking and scrutinizing eyes. when you are dealing with a child that questions whether she wants to live or not, as a parent, it is the most painful thing imaginable. four months had elapsed since maddie’s first attempt, and i couldn’t say confidently we were progressing.
i opened the car door, fell into the front seat, put my face in my hands, and started to cry. i wanted to believe that maddie would get better and that everything would be fine the next time i visited. we had visited maddie every day since she was readmitted to the hospital, and truthfully, i left every day feeling completely gutted.
the staff in the unit were amazing; they were compassionate and dedicated. as a parent, i didn’t want to stop believing this would end positively. each tear shed represented a thousand fears going through my head. as a parent, when your child is struggling, you can’t help but be affected; it truly is death by a thousand cuts. you would accept this willingly if it guaranteed a positive ending, but there are no guarantees regarding mental health.
the reality is when your child is struggling, you struggle. your effort and energy become singularly focused on your child. if you don’t seek help, you will be unable to support your child.
you try to maintain a positive attitude in your child’s presence. some days, my acting was better than others; however, my performance would’ve been booed off the stage most days. almost every visit would end with me getting into my car and silently crying with a feeling of futility and frustration.
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in february 2023, the centre for disease control revealed the prevalence of crippling teen mental health challenges, and maddie was part of that statistic – 60 per cent female, 30 per cent male. if you’re sighing because your odds are diminished having boys, there’s a bigger concern with boys: suicide. suicide is more prevalent among boys than girls, but suicide attempts are greater among girls. these challenges don’t discriminate; they can affect any family, breaking down stereotypes and showcasing that it’s an issue that transcends boundaries.
in the storm, parents must recognize the vital link between their emotional well-being and their ability to support their child. when your child is struggling with deep depressive thoughts, you can’t help but be consumed by their pain. as a parent, it’s counter-intuitive but imperative to prioritize your well-being. if you’re in an emergency on a plane, it’s advised you put on your oxygen mask first before helping your child. the same principle applies; you can’t help your child if you don’t help yourself first.
connecting with other parents who have walked a similar path is invaluable, however, many of these families live in silos. today, mental illness is widely acknowledged as a societal threat, but families still want to protect their own. each family battling this quiet war isn’t comfortable sharing this turmoil with others; thus, a stigma is still painfully prevalent.
from my years of writing about our ordeal with maddie, a parent’s most common response was the feeling of solitude, desperation, and a feeling like no one can relate to your world. if the numbers are any indication, countless parents feel they have no one to talk to about their child’s struggles.
knowing you’re not alone is like finding shelter in the storm. mental health practitioners and support groups create a network of understanding and compassion, fostering an environment where parents can share their struggles without judgement. they don’t necessarily have all the answers, but knowing you’re not the only person going through this struggle is cathartic. if you are a single parent, the struggles are even more exasperating.
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unfortunately, not every story has a happy ending. we ended up losing maddie to suicide less than a month later. my worst thoughts came true in the most painful way possible.
since then, i’ve talked to hundreds of parents who have dealt with the harsh reality of a struggling teen. as parents, we are selfless for our kids. there is nothing we wouldn’t do to help our child or put ourselves in our child’s place.
one of my dear friends is going through a struggle similar to what we went through. a daughter of 16 years old with lots of angst, troubled and beyond rational behaviour. throw into the mix self-medicating with pot and an ex-husband who is in denial that there’s anything wrong with the daughter, and you can see why some parents are barely hanging on by a thread. this is only one situation of many that i’ve been contacted about. sadly, most families suffer in silence.
it doesn’t stop at emotional anguish for the parent; there is the physical and financial toll that becomes unbearable. your body starts to shut down; it becomes more susceptible to getting sick, and you tend not to eat healthily or exercise as much. you are showing many of the depressive symptoms of your child. the cost of treatment and the time it takes away from your work is undeniable. it’s a trifecta of turmoil.
there is hope. fortunately, most families have a different outcome than ours. accessing professional help is a crucial step, and there are resources available. mental health practitioners, equipped with the knowledge and experience, can guide parents and teens through the storm.
as a parent, the journey through teen mental health challenges is an arduous one. the importance of parental well-being in supporting teens through these challenges cannot be overstated. you are not alone; with the right support, there is hope for a positive outcome. it’s a tough journey, but remember, storms eventually pass, and the sun does break through the clouds. keep going, keep supporting, and don’t deny yourself the attention you require.
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if you’d like additional mental health resources, the wake up mental health resource guide is invaluable, offering a roadmap through the maze of available support.
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