#askalyson: our kids need a sense of meaning too, just like we do
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human beings need a sense of meaning and purpose as a fundamental pillar of mental health. getty
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dear alyson,
my 11-year-old son keeps saying worrying things like, “what’s the point,” “no one cares,” “i give up,” and “what if the pandemic is still going on in five years?”
i don’t know what to say to these comments and i am not sure if these are signs he is depressed or worse. such as suicidal. how should i be responding?
signed,
concerned dad
dear concerned dad,
you are not alone. many parents have shared that their kids are making these same types of discouraged comments. while a parent should always take thoughts of suicide and depression seriously, i believe these communications are more about an ennui associated with existential angst.
yes, that’s right. children can be challenged with feelings of meaninglessness, too. human beings need a sense of meaning and purpose as a fundamental pillar of mental health. sure, it looks different at age two than it does at age seven or 14 and beyond, but it’s still part of the human experience.
just to be clear, finding your meaning in life is not the same as “what do i want to be when i grow up?” it’s about knowing how you are valued and that you matter. so let’s think about how our kids would come to know they are significant and important to us? here are some suggestions by age.
our youngest kids: toddlers and pre-kindegarten
every two-year-old will say “me do it!.” they are natural helpers and want to contribute. that contribution gives them meaning and purpose, so let them have a crack at helping, even if it means they do a sloppy job of sweeping the floor, or more batter ends up on the counter than in the muffin tins.
then, help drive the learning home by sharing your appreciation with comments like:
“thanks for keeping our floor clean by helping sweep, you are really helping the family,” or, “you were a great help in making the muffins today, we needed your strong arm to mix that batter.”
“thanks for keeping our floor clean by helping sweep, you are really helping the family,” or, “you were a great help in making the muffins today, we needed your strong arm to mix that batter.”
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elementary school-aged kids
continue, but with more advanced, age appropriate ways of encouraging contributions to the family. start by having family meetings in which you ask for their input and opinions on simple things, like where to go for family outings or what to make for weekly dinners. ask them to help you solve problems like, “how can we make our morning routine less hectic? or “how can we keep the family room clean?” then, show your gratitude for their unique perspective on an issue, regardless if you use their suggestions or not. it’s still a valuable contribution. then, widen their circle so they can make contributions of value outside the home too, such as donating to a food bank, helping shovel snow for an elderly neighbour or picking up litter in the park.
highschool
lost and struggling youth can find their purpose outside the typical roles of student or athlete if parents help them explore more options. we can do that by asking them curiosity questions like: “what fuels your passions?” “when is your energy the highest?”
“what character traits do you admire in others and yourself?”
“what character traits do you admire in others and yourself?”
the idea here is to shift the focus onto their interests. we can help them explore what matters to them and further encourage them to start putting their energy into those pursuits. help them create some small, actionable, short-term goals that they can achieve and feel good about. that feeling will stir up more motivation for further goals. for example, if they really care about diversity, what would they like to do about that? could they create a blog? draw a graphic novel? write an opinion piece?
while the quest for meaning can feel frustrating and daunting for kids, with a little support and guidance, parents can help ease the discomfort and provide an important boost to mental health.
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alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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