#askalyson: when should i stop financially supporting my kids?

all parents fear raising a kid who "fails to launch" and lives in the basement until they are 30, writes parenting expert alyson schafer.

by alyson schafer

published jun 06, 2023

3 minute read

join the conversation

3 minute read

join the conversation

resentment is a sign you need to set limits on what you pay for

kids who have a free and open supply of food, funds and free time without the reality of the actual demands of life have no motivation to go out and fend for themselves, writes alyson schafer. getty

my daughter is taking a gap year and living at home. she has the same allowance she had in high school, but there are always things she claims to need. for example, we are paying for her phone, but then she needs something for her hair and nails. she uses our uber account to go party with her friends. she doesn’t have a job, although she says she is trying, but i don’t think she is trying very hard. what bothers me most is her attitude. she expects to be supported, telling us that it’s our job and obligation, but what about her obligations? she doesn’t help around the house, and i am feeling resentful. when do i stop supporting a deadbeat?

i think all parents have a fear of raising that “failure-to-launch” kid who lives in your basement until they’re 30 years old. but i also know that this cohort of kids just came out of the pandemic, and they have a bit of a different trajectory because they lagged behind in some of their experiences and development. that leaves us parents stuck finding the sweet spot between giving them some grace and kicking their butts into action.

one of my favourite sayings is “fat dogs don’t hunt.” so, kids who have a free and open supply of food, funds and free time without the reality of the actual demands of life have no motivation to go out and fend for themselves. let’s right this ship and get you on a good path moving forward. it looks like this:

discuss together. you can’t just drop a bomb declaring that you are changing the current arrangements without some discussion, input and planning from your child. set up a time to talk. don’t shock them with a big announcement, because you will likely incite a revolt instead of trying to work co-operatively towards a solution that suits you both.

set a budget, but allow some time before beginning. decide what you will and won’t pay for as well as a reasonable “stop date” for the items you are not willing to cover anymore so your child has time to prepare for losing those funds. it’s an easier and more respectful transition, for example, when you say, “you’re a graduate, you’re in the workforce, your allowance will be ending after three months.”

keep it open-ended. remind your child that this is the first iteration of the new agreement and if they go back to school, get laid off at work, or some other situation arises, the agreement can be revisited. you are a flexible and reasonable person — you are not trying to cause hardship. this is about the child accepting their responsibilities as a young adult.

trust your gut. if you are feeling resentment, then you are paying for something you don’t think is reasonable. also, make sure you don’t tie your willingness to support your child with certain behaviours. “i pay for your wifi because it’s my responsibility as a parent to cover the basics,” is very different than, “i can’t believe you are so rude to me and i am paying for your phone — i am cutting it off until you treat me better.”

household help. discuss what is expected of someone living in the home, be it a child or a boarder renting a room. ask the child to help you create consequences that hold them accountable for their responsibilities. for example, you could say, “what should happen if you have agreed to put your dishes in the dishwasher, but i find them on the counter?” or “what should happen if you agree to take the recycle bins to the curb, but i find they have been forgotten?” then, follow through on implementing the consequences when needed.

every family situation is a bit different, but the process of discussion of what is reasonable and what you will and won’t do is very empowering for both parents and their children.

alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.

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