hawthorne: why kids need to roam free sometimes—without adults and structured activities
6 minute read
karen with her son quinton at age 9. he's now a young teen and has a tracker on him at all times. "i've started to think about how the perspective of parents keeping their kids safe has changed—maybe not for the better."
jeannette breward
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as a kid growing up in a small town, i was always jumping on my bike to go to a friend’s house to play or go to the park. it was never a big deal, as long as my mom knew where i was going and that i’d be home by dark. sometimes we’d put on skits or puppet shows in my friend’s basement (and beg her mom or sister to watch!), or we’d pretend we were riding horses outside, perfecting a semi-graceful gallop.
where did all that free-and-easy parenting go? now my son quinton has a tracker on him at all times, and i coordinate hang-out dates and activities with his friend max. i started to think about how the perspective of parents has changed—maybe not for the better.
we’ve got kids using screens, even with time limits, that affects their attention span and focus, likely hurting their eyes and posture over time as well. just as worrisome is having controlled, defined activities that might be stifling their own creativity and imagination.
helicopter parenting micromanages kids to make sure they’re safe and feel safe and secure, but the opposite could be unfolding where independence and confidence are not explored and flourishing.
am i overthinking this? i just want my son to enjoy learning new skills alongside his peers, so isn’t that important? this year, i had him in taekwondo on wednesday night, swimming lessons on thursday night and basketball skills on saturday afternoon. he loves to shoot hoops.
the taboo of thinking kids are safe
for some perspective on this, i had the chance to interview lenore skenazy, founder of let grow. the new york-based organization advocates for giving kids more autonomy, less constant supervision, and more space to imagine and problem-solve on their own.
lenore is a former newspaper reporter and columnist who wrote about many different people and events, but the one that got the most attention and backlash? letting her younger nine-year-old son find his way home by subway—a feat he had been longing to do that he accomplished with absolute pride.
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“one sunny sunday, i took izzy to bloomingdale’s super fancy department store. and i left him in the handbag department because the handbag department happens to be right over the subway. there’s a subway entrance in bloomingdale’s itself. and i went home another way,” she says.
“and sure enough, he went into the subway, and he talked to a stranger because he was a little lost, a little confused. but then he found his way to the correct platform, and he took it downtown to 34th street. you’ve heard of the miracle on 34th street? that’s the street. and then he took a bus across town, and he came into our apartment levitating with joy, with pride, with this new feeling of manliness like ‘i’ve taken the subway myself.'”
izzy is now 28 and got a recent promotion at work.
but yes, lenore took her eyes off him and let him do something in the real world without her and without a phone.
some people might cringe at this because of all the what-ifs. she’s fielded a lot of questions and criticism on tv talk shows.
“it’s very hard for parents pretty much not to worry for your kids and to want them to be safe. and to say, ‘i think my kids are pretty safe’ has become almost taboo in our culture. and then taboo gets punished,” she explains.
“you’re proud of what they’re capable of doing and you don’t want to stand in their way. you don’t want to be heedless of real difficulties or real dangers. but on the other hand, what is our job as parents? it’s to try to raise kids to be who they can be. that’s why we call our organization now let grow. you know, it’s not to throw them out and hope for the best.”
the world today often feels chaotic and overwhelming, and i wonder if i, like other parents, yearn for some kind of control. and then i bring that to my role as a parent and become hyper-concerned about my kid being in constant danger from kidnapping, failure, bullies, strangers and even sleepovers. (i used to have the best birthday sleepover parties.) so, is the hectic overwhelm of life at the root of my behaviour? or do i just love my son and want the best for him?
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early imaginative play promotes better mental health
lenore is all about promoting “free-range kids,” offering resource guides for parents and teachers to help nurture independent, play-driven childhoods and what that could look like in practice. for example, teachers give kids a homework assignment once a month to go home and do something new on their own with their parents’ permission, but without their parents. they can walk to the store, they can make dinner, climb a tree, visit a friend, start a lemonade stand, babysit, whatever it is.
also interesting, research supports this broader shift away from overstructured childhoods and why it matters.
a new longitudinal study of more than 1,400 children in australia found that early imaginative play is strongly linked to better mental health outcomes years later, with kids who engaged more in pretend play showing fewer emotional and behavioural difficulties in primary school.
lenore did her own research in collaboration with american psychologist jonathan haidt, who would go on to write the anxious generation about the impact of smartphones and social media on teens, where face-to-face time with friends and family plummeted, and so did mental health. they did a harris poll asking 500 kids, age 8 to 12, about their favourite thing to do, with three options: hanging out, playing old-school with no adults or agenda, an organized activity like soccer or ballet, or time spent online, whether it’s video games, social media, snapchat, anything like that.
the most favoured activity was number one, which was free play. second choice was organized activities, which is still in person, leaving online as the much lower third choice.
lenore says the poll illustrates that what people assume as truth may not be quite right:
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“we keep saying kids are addicted to their phones and phones are very attractive, but given the choice of hanging out with your friend, having a cup of coffee versus texting your friend, you know what you would prefer. and what’s amazing is that the kids know this too, even though their free time with their friends is so limited.”
online, however, is where they can have fun, where they can have quests, where they can flirt and joke and play and talk. and so that’s where they’re going. it’s not out of desire. it’s by default.
‘the olden days’: kids, adults and family time
she also talks to me about “the olden days” when she was growing up; there were three distinct worlds. the kid world, which was just kids, jump ropes and bike rides and long afternoons of ‘what are we going to do?’ then there was the adult or parent world that was so boring to kids, with adults talking about politics, the bond market and who was about to have an operation, who was recovering from an operation. and then there was the family world, when you were together at dinner or a family event or on vacation.
these three separate worlds are now mashed into one, for the most part. the result is the perception that anytime a child isn’t supervised, they’re automatically in danger, which means that the parent doesn’t care, which means that if you’re not watching your kid, are you a horrible parent?
you can see how hover parenting has become so prevalent.
we’re driving our kids places, watching their games and doing their homework with them, and there’s no separate time for the kid world where kids just use their imagination, make friends and have their own space. and there’s no time for the adults to have any free time and normal conversation. both generations are incredibly stressed because the kids are under constant adult tutelage.
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where do i stand in all this? well, it’s a wake-up call for me to let go more and let grow. creative free play planted early seeds for me to love connecting with people and telling stories (although it was with puppets and impromptu stage productions) as a journalist.
so when my son asked me if he could go to the convenience store in our neighbourhood the other day to get a slushie on his own, i said, ‘yes, go for it.’ he took his bank card and came home with an empty cup and a huge smile.
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