living with borderline personality disorder is 'losing your sense of self' in a matter of seconds
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people with borderline personality disorder can ‘split’ and even the person they love the most can become someone they hate in a matter of seconds.
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borderline personality disorder doesn’t affect logan macdonald every single day, but when an episode happens, it can impact her for weeks.
“bpd for me is losing your sense of self and all control of your emotions within a matter of seconds,” says macdonald, a 22-year-old creative writer who lives with bpd. “it feels like an out-of-body experience, and an overwhelming wave of feeling just put on you all at the same time.”
borderline personality disorder is a long-term mental health disorder that causes difficulties with regulating emotions and controlling impulses. intense emotions and high sensitivity to the world around them can cause people with bpd extreme distress and constant emotional pain.
about 75 per cent of people with bpd self-harm multiple times and about 10 per cent commit suicide.
‘being a passenger in your own car’
macdonald describes bpd episodes like “being a passenger in your own car and watching the destruction the driver is causing on the road. there’s nothing you can do about it but wait until the ride is over.”
when the episode is over, she usually forgets how it went and can misremember things that happened during the “ride”.
“sometimes i’m aware that i’m going through it, other times i’m not, but no matter what, it always feels like the worst possible thing has happened,” says macdonald. “it feels like i can’t go on and that nothing will ever be right again.”
it doesn’t matter how big or small the trigger was; recovering from what happened feels impossible. she highlights a few key issues people with bpd face, such as episodes affecting their close relationships. people with borderline personality disorder can ‘split,’ and even the person they love the most can become someone they hate in a matter of seconds.
“that more than anything is what affects my life because the person and myself have to deal with the aftermath of that,” says macdonald. “it affects our relationship and my relationship with myself, because there’s always a lot of guilt and shame moving forward from that.”
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a symptom that affects macdonald the greatest is the fear of abandonment. she explains how a loved one could leave for just a few minutes before she feels abandoned.
fear of abandonment is a particularly difficult symptom to deal with for those living with bpd. for macdonald, being left alone for only a few moments can feel like “i’ve been alone forever.”
coping and preventative measures
it can be hard for people with bpd to find coping mechanisms to help in the moment because the key concern during an episode is just getting through it. therapy, communicating her feelings with loved ones and writing her emotions in a journal are what macdonald finds most helpful.
“over the years i’ve gotten better at managing some of the emotions,” says macdonald. “i usually just kind of ride the wave until it’s over.”
some recommended coping mechanisms based on specific feelings are:
- if you’re angry: rip up paper, exercise or punch a pillow
- if you’re down: indulge in a favourite television show, write down your emotions or let yourself cry or sleep
- if you’re anxious: try deep breathing, enjoying the senses of a hot drink or take a warm shower
- if you’re dissociative: drink cold water or chew a piece of ginger or something spicy
misconceptions about bpd
“i wish more people understood the absolute lack of control someone with bpd goes through, and the torrent of emotion that’s piled onto them in a single second,” says macdonald. “it isn’t gradual, it isn’t announced.”
a person living with bpd can be having a good day and feel happy, but that can switch very quickly. macdonald says it’s like going from “0 to 1,000.”
“to people witnessing a bpd episode, i could see how it could seem dramatic or unwarranted,” she says. “but to the person going through the episode, whatever’s happening is that serious to them.”
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there is also a misconception that people with bpd lack empathy because they can switch emotions so quickly.
macdonald’s demeanour and attitude switch so drastically when experiencing an episode that she refers to her bpd by a different name as a way to separate who she is and her wellbeing from her condition. “we don’t lack empathy, and we actually feel so much, so strongly,” she says. “that’s what leads to those huge outbursts that can seem like an overreaction to other people.”
grace, patience and love: how loved ones can help
three things that are important for people to give their loved ones with bpd are “grace, patience and love,” says macdonald.
grace is important when a person with bpd slips up and says something harsh or does something impulsively: “hold me accountable if i say or do something to upset you but allow me grace if i wasn’t in control in that moment.”
patience is important because “healing and improving is not a linear line. i will slip up, and sometimes when i slip, i need help getting back up again.”
love is important because “it can be hard to give that to myself, especially after an episode.”
after an episode, feelings of guilt and shame can arise and make it hard for someone with bpd to show themselves love and compassion. finding external validation is important to the wellbeing and security of someone who has just had an episode.
some ways you can help a loved one with borderline personality disorder are to:
- learn about the condition
- be trustworthy and respectful
- encourage them to get help
- be aware of your own limits and boundaries
- identify their strengths and share positive reinforcement
- stay engaged during conflict and difficult times
“people can experience bpd in different ways,” says macdonald, “and making the effort to understand your loved one’s personal experience goes a long way and can really help you help them in the long run.”
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if you or someone you love needs help, the centre for addiction and mental health (camh) runs a borderline personality disorder clinic for people between the ages of 18 and 65. their late-life anxiety and mood disorder clinic is intended for patients 65 and older. they also share information for families and general information on personality disorders.
visit camh to learn more about their programs and services.
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