machado: why does change, even when it's a good thing, make us sad?
6 minute read
no matter how much emotional growth happens during transitions, it would be nice to just sink into happiness, without tingles of doubt or worry. getty
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when did it get so hard to be a human.
this week, my daughter graduated from high school. as her dad and i sat in the auditorium waiting for the ceremony to begin, heavy emotions hung in the air. between the rhetorical, “where has the time gone?” whispered between old friends, and the rustling sounds of brown wrapping paper that held flowers — one man held a giant cactus with a shiny green bow on it out in front of him — the tight feeling that we were collectively witnessing the end of something precious was palpable.
covid made it really hard to learn how to be a teenager
but not necessarily precious in a good way. as names were called out and shiny faces bounced across the stage — some to wild applause and shout-outs, others to a few quiet claps — we remembered that the last few years had not been roses and rainbows for many of these kids. with three years out of four spent managing a pandemic-induced hot mess of online learning, burned-out teachers, lineups every morning as each student waited to declare their covid status to the principal before going to class, mandatory masks, then not-so-mandatory masks, it’s fair to say that these kids didn’t get to experience high school the way it’s meant to be with parties, socializing and well, just learning how to be a teenager.
and since crises, unfortunately, don’t come with a one-at-a-time rule, some students had more than a scary virus heaped on their plate, losing parents or developing serious health conditions. a whole whack of others suffered with deep mental health issues — challenges that many will, sadly, undoubtedly carry with them into their post-secondary lives and maybe beyond.
midway through the ceremony the principal said a few words, reflecting on the importance of kindness above all other things a human could be and sharing a teary story about how his parents had cared for his aging grandfather to illustrate the humanity of compassion. his reflections were touching, certainly, and by the amount of sniffles that could be heard throughout the crowd, his words had touched many in the audience. but it was the next speaker who made the deepest impression.
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she was introduced as the mother of a boy who used to attend the school. she was there, the principal said, like she was every year on graduation day, to give $1,000 to the student voted by their peers to be the most kind. when she got to the podium, she told the story of her son, who died after being hit by a ttc bus.
she described how comforting it was for her, in the days following his death, to hear from others how kind he had been to them, how he was always eager to help and that for some kids, he was their only friend. and so, she said, every year, she honours and remembers his life by recognizing kindness in a graduating student.
confusing, distressing emotions are a part of change
i found out later that her son died in 2010. that means she has stood at that podium, staring out into a crowd of weepy parents on the very same stage that he didn’t have the chance to stand on, more than 10 times. that’s a lot of painful reminders. it was a nudge for the rest of us to recognize our good fortune that, yes, we’ve made it this far, thank goodness. it was also duly noted that, this mom, who lost her son so tragically, had found a way to lighten the darkness of her grief by bringing brightness to the spirits of others. but her words, a powerful combination of personal loss and encouragement, further complicated the emotions of an already-complicated day.
“i am happy-sad,” the woman beside me said. she had been alternating between crying and clapping throughout the two-hour ceremony. she stopped fanning herself with the program booklet to point at her son’s name in the long list of graduates.
that’s exactly the thing about big life milestones — heck, even the end of holidays, sometimes. no matter how great and exciting they are, you never feel just great and excited. there are often other emotions that poke holes in the joy, like sadness, worry, anxiety, fear and doubt. and it’s what makes change difficult for many of us, psychotherapist f. diane barth writes in psychology today.
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“pride mixed with anxiety, pleasure with sadness,” is how she describes every grad ceremony she has attended for her kids, noting that these feelings are part and parcel of any significant life change. think of when you start a new job — it can be the perfect storm of emotional turmoil. you’re likely happy to start something new, but perhaps sad to leave the familiarity of the old job; excited to have new responsibilities, yet anxious that maybe you won’t be successful; feeling like a badass for taking a leap into the unknown, while longing for the familiarity of your old role. these are the same conflicting feelings that can happen, says barth, when we decide to move or get married — happiness and nervousness about what’s to come and sadness about what’s being left behind.
this complex web of uncomfortable emotions is exactly what the woman beside me articulated beautifully: happy-sad. while it’s incredibly exciting to see your child walk across a stage and grab hold of the piece of paper that marks the end of one part of their life and symbolizes a possible path for the future. it’s also a reminder of time passing — a part of a parent’s life is ending too.
uncomfortable feelings help us grow
one of my mom friends said that though she was intensely proud of her son’s academic accomplishments, and absolutely thrilled that he had a bright future, his graduation ceremony brought up feelings of regret that she didn’t finish university, a sense that she hadn’t done enough with her life, and a deep sadness over the reminder that she was getting older. these feelings aren’t always easy to understand and rationalize, and for sure, it’s not all about us — as she talked, my friend said repeatedly that she was genuinely happy for her son, that his achievements were a source of pride and that she couldn’t wait to see what he did next.
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but confusing, conflicting, and distressing feelings are a normal part of the process of any transition, says barth. in fact, she explains that although they make us uncomfortable, they also help us to grow and learn new things about ourselves — which is good. there are also techniques to help grease your way through change, she adds, including acknowledging emotions, putting them into words and sharing them with others, and doing things that bring you calm, such as listening to music, exercising or getting a massage.
still, no matter how much emotional growth happens during the process of transition and change, it would be really nice to just sink into happiness, without tingles of doubt, or worry or nervousness. to watch my daughter cross that stage and not grieve the passing of her childhood, or worry about her out there in the world or feel my stomach clench when i realize how fast time is passing. instead, to just enjoy the moment, without looking backward or forward. but this is not in a human’s nature, says barth. in fact, we are built to experience many emotions at once.
perhaps, like the mom without her son, the key is figuring out how not to let them cloud the sunny days.
lisa machado is the executive producer of healthing.
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