#ask alyson: my child is moving out for university and i feel so sad
2 minute read
feeling sadness when a child moves out is a reflection of your values - like family, closeness, intimacy and caring.
stay up to date on this topic
dear alyson,
my daughter is heading off to university in nyc. i am so excited for her but truth be told, i am dying inside. i don’t know the city, i don’t know if she is safe, and beyond all that, i am losing someone who has been my best friend. any advice?
signed,
sad mom
dear sad mom,
how fortunate you are to have such a wonderful relationship with your daughter! i am sure you will have a big hole to fill when she leaves. she is launching into the next phase of her life and you have been a big part of setting her up for reaching her goals. it’s ok to have mixed feelings; excitement, pride and grief … grief for the end of an era that really brought you so much meaning and joy.
its okay to feel sad your child is moving out
it’s also ok to lean into your sad grief feelings for a time. our emotions provide us information. they reflect our values. i am guessing values of family, closeness, intimacy and caring are important to you. those values won’t change. you may need to find new ways to exercise them as she transitions to an adult with different priorities.
as parents, we face a philosophical bind, knowing that if we did our good parenting job, then the proof is in raising an adult who will leave our nest of protection and spread their wings and grow to their full potential with new relationships and priorities for themselves.
but we also have to do an inventory of what defines us, our roles and other ways to find our meaning and significance. sometimes mothers put all their eggs in the motherhood basket — not realizing that if our sole focus is our kids we can lose our identity when they launch and no longer need us in their lives in the same way.
find new ways to define this next chapter
as our children transition to adulthood, so we should too; we emerge like a butterfly from a chrysalis to meet our next stage of life with a different focus for ourselves and how we will spend our time and energies. honour the conclusion of one aspect of your life as you build energy to explore with excitement the endless possibilities of what can come next for you.
advertisement
remember you are still modelling to your daughter what middle age looks like! what do you want her to learn about women and aging? are we done after raising our kids? heck no!!!
so in closing, give yourself permission to be sad. go visit her city when she is settled so you can calm your nerves about her whereabouts. redefine how you’ll stay close and connected through visits and facetime. create new traditions together.
if you find your blues become too intense or persist so long that they are interfering with your functioning, you can seek out a therapist, counsellor or someone who specializes in life transitions.
happy parenting,
alyson
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
thank you for your support. if you liked this story, please send it to a friend. every share counts.
share story
