“so, it’s probably nothing,” he said. “you’re young, and breast cancer doesn’t run in your family.”
of course, we know that neither youth, nor familial history (or lack thereof) give a definite pass from the risk of breast cancer. but i let him off the hook. i was too busy freaking out.
“but you’re going to check it, right?”
the next week, i was at the princess margaret cancer centre getting a mammogram, but it wasn’t easy getting there. it had taken a long conversation about the fact that, despite his almost-certainty that it was nothing, whatever was in my chest was going to cause me a lot of worry and anxiety and well, what if.
what if.
that there were all types and ages of women, a few men, too, in the clinic that day waiting in backless, grey hospital gowns wearing nothing but their shoes wasn’t surprising. but the sheer number was shocking. it was practically standing room only.
when my name was called, i held the back of my gown closed as i walked through the doorway where a tiny nurse in a pink uniform was waiting, smiling. as i got close, i noticed her shirt was printed with green four leaf clovers.
she had a nice voice — calm, like she wasn’t one to be easily rattled. while asking how my weekend was, she showed me how to lean my upper body into the machine.
“a little more,” she said, laughing when i made a joke about mammograms not being made for people with small breasts.
as she pressed a button, she fired questions at me: when did you feel it? does it hurt? does anyone in your family have breast cancer? when it was over, she walked me out and called the next person — a man who looked to be about 30. as i gathered my clothes, i could hear her ask calmly about his weekend.
the phone rang three days later. it was my doctor saying that the mammogram had showed a cyst — “something to keep an eye on” — and i felt all the things you would expect. there was relief and also gratitude, of course. i was also glad that i insisted on having it checked, if only for my peace of mind. i was reminded of how much work it takes to be patient sometimes, just to feel safe.