going through breast cancer together: a mother and daughter’s journey
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robyn goldman (right) and her mother karen goldman, at karen's last radiation treatment.
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when robyn goldman was 33 years old, she felt a lump in her breast and immediately requested a mammogram from her general physician. unfortunately, because she was so young, healthy and had no family history of breast cancer, she was told that she wasn’t eligible for one based on the current ontario guidelines for screening tests.
feeling invalidated, she decided that she wouldn’t allow her doctor’s ‘no’ to stop her from figuring out if the lump was something to worry about. she called a women’s hospital in toronto, speaking to someone in their breast cancer centre. she got the same answer from them.
she simply wasn’t old enough to get a mammogram. however, they offered another tidbit of advice that provided a path toward finding out her diagnosis: she would have to go to the emergency room.
“that’s where it happened,” she said of her diagnosis, which occurred during the covid-19 pandemic. “i remember the triage nurse, she was like, ‘what are you doing here?’ i’m in downtown toronto. i’m not clearly in distress. i don’t have covid.”
the nurse responded with warmth by taking robyn’s hand from behind the plexiglass and telling her that she was now “safe.”
they did an ultrasound and then a biopsy, and robyn’s gut feeling was validated. she had triple-negative breast cancer, a type that develops without estrogen and progesterone, and the her2 protein. that wasn’t the last of the stressful confusion, though.
the hospital booked her in with a pediatric surgeon, who wants to put her through surgery right away, but it didn’t feel right. she ultimately switched hospitals and, when she met with an oncologist, realized that there was more to do than surgery. she underwent the appropriate genetic testing to determine her course of therapy, something that wasn’t performed in her previous healthcare facility, and was able to get the personalized treatment she needed.
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robyn notes that if she had listened to her doctor the first time around and waited to reach the age that allows for mammograms, she’s unsure if she would be here today.
after her diagnosis, robyn notes that her mother was the “first person i called.”
“she did what any mother would do and just show up and kind of take the reins, and she helped facilitate doctor’s appointments and took notes,” she said, saying that to her, it all sounded like the adults in charlie brown. “i didn’t know what a lot of what was being said to me, so to have her there who had just more life experience and more understanding … i wouldn’t have wanted anybody else to be there.”
robyn’s treatment and diagnosis were aggressive, but things changed a little while later when her mother, karen goldman, who went for routine mammograms, got a similar diagnosis of ductal carcinoma in situ (dcis) breast cancer.
leaning on each other after a cancer diagnosis
getting a cancer diagnosis, or hearing that a loved one has cancer, is devastating in and of itself. for robyn, she not only had to go through both, but she had to go through them simultaneously.
“it felt very much like an attack,” she said through tears. “like, what more can we handle? or like why us? and i mean, when i was going through it, my mom was the epitome of a caregiver, a mom. i don’t have kids … but i can only imagine, it doesn’t matter how old your child is. and she always said, ‘if i could take it from you, i would.’”
robyn never had to ask her mom for help because she never had to, and when karen was diagnosed, robyn made a point to return the favour.
“it’s really hard to say to your neighbour or to your friend or your colleague, ‘hey, i actually do need some help.’ so, i think that having kind of gone through what i had gone through just weeks, months prior, she was very receptive to me showing up for her as much as i could in the capacity that i was able to and having that relationship with her, there didn’t need to be that ask. it was just that non-verbal confidence that you have that in a person.”
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she goes on to note that she believes karen is her soulmate, and although she wouldn’t wish to have had to go through this situation with both her and her mother getting breast cancer at the same time, having each other during it all allowed them both to push through.
“she allowed me to kind of sit in that anger and that grief and those hard times, but then she also said like, ‘okay. shower, go get dressed, put on some makeup if that’s what you need,’” said robyn. “i was also able to kind of echo her words back to her, like, ‘okay, mom. you can do this. you know you have gone through hard, you can go through this. this isn’t going to beat you.”
robyn notes that her experience with medical gaslighting before she got her diagnosis and then everything afterward allowed her to “set the tone” to help her mother advocate for herself in instances where something didn’t feel right or if she was experiencing pain following surgery that no one cared to help her with.
she would tell her mother it’s not okay if she isn’t pleased with her care, and she has to speak up.
“it gave us a little bit of insight into it,” she said of their simultaneous experience with breast cancer.
different cancers and treatments handled with a feeling of togetherness
because robyn and her mother had different types of cancers, hers being more aggressive, their therapies were different. karen had to undergo two “pretty aggressive” surgeries, known as a constructive lumpectomy, before she could do any other treatment. the first one didn’t result in enough of the tumour being removed, requiring the second to finish the job.
afterward, karen didn’t heal as expected, and she was left with a lot of discomfort and pain, even though she used to tell robyn that her treatment was a ‘walk in the park’ in comparison. she then had to go through radiation.
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meanwhile, robyn underwent chemotherapy first, then surgery, and then radiation.
while robyn was diagnosed first and underwent treatment earlier than her mom, their radiation schedules were done in quick succession.
“radiation is where, i would say, we really were able to share experiences and the difficulty of it and the pain and the sadness that comes with an appointment every single day,” said robyn.
robyn had to do 19 days of radiation, and her mom had about 15, with a small break between when robyn finished and karen started. she mentions that while they were able to commiserate over the experience, it was more than that.
“i was able to say, ‘hey, here’s my bottle of saline and here’s the rest of my medical grade cream, so use that and here’s what i did, here’s how it’s going to hurt,’” said robyn. “there was that, if you can give it, almost like a relay. it was like, now it’s your turn.”
robyn was able to share with her mother her experience with going through the days, with one day feeling no impact and the next feeling its effects. she says that they had to put little tattoos on their bodies to quarter off the area, and she was able to share that with karen, too.
“she had a little bit of understanding of what to anticipate, how it might feel without knowing,” she said. “when i was first diagnosed, i had somebody … she was my cancer sponsor. she kind of helped me prepare for cancer, and i think that i was maybe that for my mom.”
during her treatment, robyn continued to grapple with the big questions. why her? this was an especially confusing aspect because she didn’t have a hormonal or her2 cancer, nor were her genetics a factor, so she continued to reach for answers.
she also dealt with some level of guilt because of her mother’s close diagnosis. she asked herself if she had contributed to it, or if she should have recognized the signs beforehand, as well as what the potential cause could be and, if so, whether that could have prevented it from developing in her mother.
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ultimately, she doesn’t dwell on those questions because “for me and for her, that was never something that would ever give us any sort of validation.”
“she (her mother) always said focus your energy on something that you have control over. we had no control over what caused your cancer, so don’t dwell on it.”
finding the silver lining in breast cancer
today, robyn and her mother have gotten past the hard part of breast cancer. robyn herself has changed her life dramatically, from being a young adult working and playing in downtown toronto, to now moving to a more peaceful, out-of-town area to enjoy a slower pace of life.
even with the experience still raw in her mind, robyn can find a silver lining to it all. they got to go through it together, and all the feelings of sadness, anger, confusion and grief were all well understood by the other.
“i think the greatest thing that, or a takeaway that we have, is that, yeah, we both went through it. so, i don’t ever have to explain to her if i’m having a bad day. i don’t feel like i’m burdening her if i call her, and i’m just like, today’s a day,” said robyn. “and the same goes for her.”
even the aftereffects of having cancer linger, that’s something only another cancer survivor can appreciate. with robyn and her mother, their shared experience has allowed them to stay connected, compassionate and validated, not just through the experience itself, but also on all the days following it that continue to be a trigger.
“it’s hard when you’re four years out or three years our or 10 years out and you’re still having to confront this terrible thing that happened to you, a lot of people might not have as much compassion because they think, ‘okay, it’s been enough time. let’s wrap it up,” she said.
she and her mother, however, never tell one another to get over it.
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robyn has also found that her perspective on life has changed, “now that those new parts of me have just become who i am.”
she left a desirable marketing role and didn’t look back. she now says that she would be the first person to tell people to seize the day by booking a flight or taking a trip. all that she strives for now is balance in her life, as opposed to the things she used to spend most of her time on, such as climbing the corporate ladder.
“i wanted to go home and spend time with family and go to birthday parties, do things that brought me joy. when i was first diagnosed, the doctor told me that i would see colour differently, and i truly think that i have welcomed this new sense of … time perspective (and) confidence. i am loud and i am vocal about what i think that we need to improve.”
she continued, “i’ve gained a lot from this diagnosis that i truly don’t think i ever would have experienced. i will never say that my cancer was a gift, but i would be lying if i said i didn’t see the silver lining in it.”
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