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baby blues? there's no road map to navigate struggles of postpartum
5 minute read
“what i wasn't prepared for were those things about my own postpartum recovery. what is normal? what should i be doing proactively? what resources do i have access to?" says melissa gallagher, shown here with one of her daughters.
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like so many women and men, melissa gallagher didn’t realize the extent to which age and health play in one’s ability to have a baby. she was in her 30s when the toronto woman and her partner decided they’d like to have kids, but they didn’t know exactly when. so they went down the path of starting in vitro fertilization (ivf) as a bit of an insurance policy around family planning.
“i think we were a little naive,” she says of the plan to freeze her embryos. “we were both healthy 35-year-olds at the time, and there was no indication that we’d have any issue with ivf. we did our first round of embryos and sent them for genetic testing.”
facing the stress of ivf and a competitive workplace
the results were disappointing with only two embryos viable for freezing for later use—which wasn’t the robust insurance policy they’d expected. procedures using eggs harvested from people aged 35 or younger have the highest chances of resulting in a pregnancy. over 95 per cent of frozen embryos survive the thawing process, according to johns hopkins medicine.
in the meantime, she got pregnant naturally but miscarried, leaving the couple to mourn the loss and try to move forward. “it was terribly difficult. i wasn’t prepared for that either. i just was completely devastated by it,” she confides. they went ahead with another round of ivf to have the youngest version of eggs possible rather than waiting.
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the stress of her personal life was compounded by her professional life in a competitive, male-dominated environment. she was leading the retail development for a cannabis company at the height of the industry boom, which was a “very exciting time,” but she didn’t want people to know she was trying to start a family. she didn’t feel supported or comfortable sharing her plans.
“there’s a lot of stress that comes with that. they say 40 per cent of postpartum depression starts during pregnancy. so just trying to get pregnant is also stressful. then there’s the anxiety that you experience in trying to build a family, and you don’t want people to know that you’re building a family.”
the good news was that melissa got pregnant through ivf. the pregnancy and delivery went smoothly, but when she was routinely discharged 24 hours later from the hospital, she wondered how she’d manage her new responsibilities.
overwhelming self-doubt as a new mom
“i just remember the flurry of questions that i had. it was everything from what is the baby supposed to sleep in? because i know that it can’t be too hot, can’t be too cold. so what temperature does the room need to be? i was really questioning. i have to feed this baby every two hours, so i don’t get to sleep for more than an hour and a half at a time?”
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she was concerned about night sweats that soaked her sheets, low mood, self-doubt and feeling completely overwhelmed. while people often talk about the baby blues—a common phenomenon of sadness and irritability that affects 70 to 80 per cent of new moms for up to two weeks after childbirth—it can become serious, lasting postpartum depression.
“what i wasn’t prepared for were those things about my own postpartum recovery. what is normal? what should i be doing proactively? what resources do i have access to?” melissa says, recalling that sense of bewilderment and little support. the first doctor appointment comes at six weeks after you’ve had your baby, so all the symptoms must be normal, she says, noting her sleep-deprived exhaustion. “that’s really difficult to navigate mentally.”
there’s no road map to turn to, and back four years ago, social media was making light of postpartum symptoms with jokes or normalizing negative feelings of anger and frustration with a partner who may not know how to change a diaper.
“what i didn’t like about that was that it didn’t legitimize it. and it also wasn’t solutions-oriented, because i don’t want to feel this way,” she says of her search for answers. “i want to be the better version of this new version of myself. what i found was myself just trying to figure out what is normal and still like really not finding a place.”
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as well, she was putting unnecessary pressure on herself to maintain friendships and family connections as if all should continue the way it had before her new life as a mom with newfound responsibilities. she didn’t realize that moms need to make trade-offs to care for their baby and that that’s ok. she also didn’t know the signs of postpartum depression, which is thought of as a singular label.
now, as a 40-year-old mom of two, she has a wealth of knowledge and understanding that postpartum depression is a spectrum. “it can show up as anxiety, and that is the most prevalent and underdiagnosed representation of postpartum mental health,” she says. “or you’ve got anxiety, and that’s ok. or you’ve got burnout, and that’s ok. it doesn’t have to be something that you will be labelled for the rest of your life. it is what you are today going through it.”
she didn’t return to her job at the cannabis company, but instead decided to fill the need for support and resources for women at this vulnerable turning point in their lives. she launched an innovative virtual care platform, alma care, for in-home services with certified night nurses, doulas and perinatal support workers.
statistics show the need for care: 49 per cent of canadian new moms struggle with mental health postpartum, and yet, women who receive care have 57.5 per cent lower odds of postpartum depression and anxiety. when it comes to first-time moms who get pregnant with the help of fertility treatment, one in eight feels low parenting morale.
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“it’s really hard to come out the other side better for it,” she says of postpartum struggles.
“at nine months postpartum, i finally realized enough is enough. i need to ask for help. i need to put the structure in place because postpartum is a medical condition after giving birth, but it’s also a period of time that is incredibly tactical,” melissa says of the support women need to take steps, like having a labour discussion with a partner to ask them to take out the garbage for the next six months.
“it’s just getting things off your plate and relying on those who want to support you. and it took me just way too long to realize that.”
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