#askalyson: parents, stop the technology hate
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dear alyson,
we are a year into the pandemic, and my kids are on their devices for more than i care to admit. i have to admit, i have a bit of a like/hate relationship with the massive presence that youtube and tiktok seems to have in my family, but it’s becoming clear i need to embrace it — i just don’t know how.
let’s face it, tech in the family is here to stay. as parents, we’re going to have to figure out how to embrace it and find best practices to make sure it actually enhances our lives.
the first step is to take a close look at the bias towards demonizing children for their love of devices. in their book moral combat, authors patrick markey and christopher ferguson state that “moral panic” happens throughout history whenever young people develop passionate interests that the older generation don’t understand.
if parents can overcome their fears and biases and work to improve their own attitude towards digital activities, they can actually find joy and connection with their children through technology. it’s true — instead of causing conflict, those devices can foster the relationship bridges between parents and kids that are so important for their emotional development. here’s how:
co-play games. telling parents to play with their children seems so obvious, but i often have to remind them that online gaming together can be just as fun and bonding as playing a board game. first of all, most kids love when you game with them because they are thrilled to show you how good they are. there is also a thrill in being able to teach their parent how to play.
and maybe you really don’t want to game. but think of their gaming hobby as you would their interest in hockey or ballet — if you make time to watch them play, it shows you care and want to learn more about what makes them so excited and happy. gamers also talk a lot about their game play and strategies when they are offline too, so if you are invested in their game, you will have a lot to talk about.
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when i divorced and the girls had to live in two households, i swear it was gaming apps like quizup that helped them stay in constant contact with their dad. there isn’t always much to say on the phone to your dad when you’re a 17 year old girl, but these constant interactions and laughs through play kept them feeling connected and supported in the relationship.
still not convinced gaming is healthy? check out the latest research on the benefits;
learn a skill together. many shared hours of fun can be had by using technology as a teaching tool where everyone is starting as novices. cara brookins and her four kids fled a marriage of domestic violence, and with little means, they bought an empty lot of land and built their own house together from scratch, just by watching youtube videos. it was a very bonding and healing experience. certainly, you don’t have to build a house to get close to your kids. maybe your teens would enjoy streaming a cooking video so you can learn how to make tacos together. one of the advantages of online learning is that you can watch on demand, which may work better for teens who are spontaneous and poor planners. let’s be honest — they want to spend time with you when it suits them and technology offers that flexibility. remember that when our children learn alongside of us, we are true partners.
they enjoy seeing us humbled by making mistakes and needing their help. be willing to explore their interests. why not try to learn that trending tik tok dance? if they are watching videos about make-up techniques or hair styles, why not practice together?
produce content together
children love being creative, so why not create content together? if you are learning to cook together, create a video series about the experience. create a documentary about life under lockdown that you can post or send to the grandparents. practice a tiktok video dance together and post. the ideas are endless if you want to tackle this as a dynamic duo. check out tv’s jennifer valentyne and her daughter georgia’s ig account motherdaughterdate for inspiration. if your child is business-minded, there’s a lot online spotlighting ‘kidpreneurs’ like moziah bridges, the nine-year-old founder of mo’s bows who recognized a lack of good bowties began sewing them with his grandmother, and selling them on etsy. many children have been inspired to help raise money for a cause and with the help of a parent, they have launched amazing fundraising campaigns online. working towards a common goal and clocking time together helps forge deeper bonds.
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brag and boast
for some chronically difficult kids, all they hear from their parents is what they are doing wrong. instead, let’s make sure these kids hear good things about themselves for a change. i advise parents to go out of their way to purposely set up opportunities to have their children overhear them saying good things about them to other people. imagine if they heard you on the phone telling grandma how impressed you’ve been with how they are handling the challenges of covid and online learning? powerful right? simply take that same concept of boasting to others and move it online. we all have fb and ig accounts now, but too often we only post about the kids who are doing well. instead, hunt for some positives in your discouraged child, and post something supportive and encouraging. for example, if you were to post a photo of your child shovelling snow with the caption, “that’s my kid being a great neighbour! #proudmomma #bestkid #love,” this would likely set off positive comments from friends and family, like, “you got a keeper there” “love that kid!.” this one simple act can help boost the moral and build bridges with the family. there is one caveat though: teens can be very conscious about their persona on social media, so at some point they may request you get their approval before you post. and be mindful about over-posting.
texting
teens often prefer to text than talk, and that’s okay. it may feel less personal to you, but if you want to connect with them, do things the way they prefer. texting allows them to compose their thoughts before replying. it also helps them to say things in writing that they might not have the courage to say out loud. there are a few ground rules though: never fight via text, don’t be a helicopter parent texting incessantly and only write short replies. also, emojis and gifs can add useful humour to your texts, especially when you want to win their co-operation for things like cleaning their room or hitting the books.
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alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on twitter @alysonschafer.
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