actually, men seek out emotional support after a breakup too
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study finds that men who had just gotten out of shorter relationships turned to friends and family, while men with longer relationships sought out professional help. getty
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new research from the university of british columbia sheds light on the experience of men after they go through a break up, taking aim at the toxic stereotype that men shy away from their emotions while in difficult situations.
“it totally disrupts and challenges … [the idea] that men are stoic and keep things to themselves,” says mary kelly, research collaborator on the study. “the paper really gives us a different lens into the everyday lives of men and relationships.”
the study, published in qualitative health research, consisted of detailed interviews with 47 men in canada and australia, ages 26 to 70 years old, who had recently gone through a break up. approximately 81 per cent of the participants self-identified as heterosexual, 15 per cent as gay and four per cent as bisexual. relationships had ranged from 4 months to 28 years in length, with 49 per cent of the breakups initiated by the other partner.
all participants reported, on some level, that they turned to others for emotional support during the post breakup period. in general, men who had just gotten out of shorter relationships turned to friends and family, while men with longer relationships sought out professional help. however, there was a considerable amount of overlap between the different support-seeking methods.
kelly says she was also pleasantly surprised by not just how the interviewees were willing to look for support during these major changes in their lives, but were also willing and open to talking about their experiences. many participants also elaborated on what they thought was their role in the relationship breakdown, and when they planned to change for a more successful outcome in new relationships. (improving communication was a common theme in many of the interviews.)
more than 50 per cent of participants had also sought professional help — a critical move, as many of the participants experienced symptoms of depression and anxiety during the breakup.
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“[this research] speaks to the importance of men’s emotional lives and how there is this social stereotype that men are somehow impervious to emotional distress,” says kelly. “part of that stereotype of men in society today is that men are tough and stoic. and i would say our findings break with [that].”
more research is needed to capture the experiences of men who are averse to talking about their emotions, as it stands to reason that those who are comfortable talking about their relationships would be the most likely to volunteer for a study talking about their breakup.
this study is part of a growing movement that highlights men communicating about their emotions and the holes in support structures that exist, likely in part due to societal expectations that men suppress their emotions. and support is needed: research from angus reid indicates 63 per cent of canadian men aged 18-34 experience “a considerable amount of loneliness and isolation,” compared to 53 per cent of women in the same age category. however, women are three times more likely to seek out support than men.
a different study from ubc looked at relationship programs in australia, canada and the united kingdom, and came to the recommendation there is a need for groups and programs where men can turn to for general relationship skills development and emotional support.
emma jones is a multimedia editor with healthing. you can reach her at emjones@postmedia.com or on instagram and twitter @jonesyjourn.
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