#askalyson: should every parent have a 'don't ask questions' drawer?
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several unopened red and white condoms on orange background, concept of sexual prophylaxi
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dear alyson,
my daughter is 14. one of her friend’s mothers has what she calls a ‘don’t ask questions’ drawer in the family bathroom that has tampons and pads, condoms, a phone number for their doctor, a pregnancy test as well as pain meds aimed at hangover headaches. i am sure you are going to think this is progressive, however, another parent has frowned upon this as being encouraging of sex and drinking. i am not sure if i want to recreate such a drawer in my house, but i would like to know your opinion.
what a juicy question! i bet lots of readers are going to want to take a crack at answering what they would do in their families. this is also a bit of a timely question due to the recent roe v. wade ruling in the u.s.
i like the idea of the drawer, and some items i like, others i don’t. let’s go content by content so i can explain my rationale.
menstrual-related items (pads and tampons). it’s a parent’s job to have pads and tampons on hand for their children, much the same as parents are responsible for making sure there is toothpaste in their bathroom. your teen can keep their supplies wherever they can reach them easily — if that is in the drawer with the other items, fine. buy the products and leave them on their bed so they can put them away in a location of their choice. (sure, you can have a few extras for guests and put those in a discreet place, like they do at fancy clubs, hotels and restaurants.)
sex-related items (condoms, pregnancy test and phone number for their doctor). we’ve known from decades of research on sex education, that teaching children about sex and safe sex does not lead kids to becoming more sexually active. in fact, quite the opposite. children who are taught about sex, contraception, and sexually transmitted infections delay the onset of sexual intercourse — it also reduces unwanted pregnancy and infection transmission. this is important for parents who confuse sharing knowledge about sex education with promoting or condoning sexual activity.
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the hurdle for having safe sex for many teens feeling too embarrassed to buy sex-related items in a store or not having the money to afford them. i raised my daughters in a small rural town with no stop lights — just one t-intersection. there was one bank and a pharmacy — everybody knew everyone. it would be tough for a teen to buy condoms at that pharmacy without bumping into someone they knew. so i did just as your friend did — i bought the condoms and left them in a basket in my girls’ bathroom and i told their friends they could help themselves no questions asked, and that i would keep it filled, which i did.
i was not as generous as buying pregnancy tests for the community of teens there, but perhaps i should have — they are also expensive and embarrassing to buy.
leaving the doctor’s phone number suggests that you shouldn’t take matters in your own hands, but to talk to your medical professional if you suspect that you are pregnant or have an sti. perhaps add “text connect” to 686868 for support from kids help phone if you’d prefer to get anonymous support. and of course, a note that they can alk to your mom or dad… we are here for you!
pain meds (for hangovers). this is the only thing included in the drawer that i have issue with. if a youth is underage drinking, the consequence is a hangover. i want youth to experience that consequence — or feedback loop of overindulging — with the hopes that it curbs or constrains their drinking behaviour. besides, there is likely a medicine cabinet they can access this item without finding an additional private place for it.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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