machado: where grief meets loved ones' ghosts
'bereavement hallucinations' are fairly common and normal, scientists say.
6 minute read
if you've ever felt the presence of a loved one, after they've passed, you're not alone.
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i am not a person who believes in ghosts.
in fact, even though we grew up hearing stories from my guyanese mother and her sisters about the dead visiting their loved ones, hanging out for a chat on the edge of their bed or tormenting their enemies with creepy tricks like slamming doors, my brother and i never fully signed on to the belief that the dead sometimes come back.
the stories are embedded in my brain though — how one of our aunts felt someone’s breath on her shoulder as she stood alone at her father’s funeral, the radio that would randomly play my dead uncle’s favourite song, or the familiar smell of cologne that never left a neighbour’s bedroom.
and while my brother and i would secretly guffaw when we thought my mother couldn’t hear, we were careful not to poke too much fun, because, well, you know, just in case.
it wasn’t until my father’s death was imminent that i started to come around to all that could be good about a visit from the after-life. the possibilities were comforting: maybe he would let me know he was okay or maybe i could hear his voice and see him smile. maybe the sting of him leaving would be eased.
the afternoon he died — after my mom and i had dressed him in his favourite red shirt, and before the funeral home people came to pick up his body — i whispered in his ear that it would be okay if he visited me once in awhile.
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and then i waited.
a few weeks later, my mom reported that she had seen him in a dream. he was smiling in his red shirt, she said. some time after that, my brother proudly recounted how our dad appeared in his dream, advising him on how to handle a problem at work. it sounds weird, but i was a little annoyed. why hadn’t he come to see me?
my mom said that spirits need a reason to come back, or to stick around. for her, his visit was a salve for her devastating loss, she said; for my brother, much-needed guidance. apparently, according to her, nothing about me necessitated a visit from my dead father.
when, a year later, i was contemplating a divorce, i thought for sure it was grounds for a spiritual visit. i went for a long walk and looked up at the night sky — because isn’t that where all the spirits are? — and asked my dad for advice. “if ever you were thinking of making an appearance, dad,” i said, “this is it.” my words were dramatic and tearful and needy — the perfect combination for a spirit awakening.
still nothing.
a friend who is a scientist, and very unspirit-like, rolled his eyes twice when i told him the story.
“your mom saw your dad because she was grieving — her mind conjured him up, it was a dreeeeaaammmmm,” he said, leaning forward to emphasize. “and your brother, same thing. he has this tough situation at work that’s consuming his waking hours, so it makes perfect sense that when he goes to sleep, he seeks advice from someone he trusts: his father.”
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but is it really that simple? are these “visits” from those who have passed nothing more than a result of our subconscious working overtime to find some way to soothe enormous grief?
visions or “visits” from the dead can reassure those who are left, writes jason blake for cnn health. he describes the experiences of people who have “connected” with loved ones who have died of covid-19. one woman felt a cold hand on her shoulder the morning of her mother’s death, and turned to see her mother sitting beside her. there are other “signs” too, like the bird that shows up out of season, or the sound of the deceased person’s voice.
it turns out visits from the dead are a thing. in fact, apparently 60 million americans have experienced contact with someone who has died. many of these after-death communications, or adcs, happen in the twilight state between sleeping and waking, but some people see their deceased loved ones when they are awake and alert, blake writes.
but why them and not me? certainly i check all the boxes of grief-stricken, sad and missing my people, right?
blake doesn’t quite answer why some people see dead people and others don’t, but he does note that adcs are part of a “historical pattern” — the 1918 spanish flu saw an uptick in séances and ouija boards as people tried to contact lost loved ones, the 9/11 terrorist attacks prompted reports of sightings and conversations with the dead, and a 2011 tsunami in japan generated so many reports of ghosts wandering the streets that a documentary was made. apparently, humans have trouble saying goodbye.
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according to dr. simon mccarthy-jones, associate professor in clinical psychology and neuropsychology with trinity college dublin, these experiences, which he calls “bereavement hallucinations,” are not only common and normal, they can also be good for you, providing “spiritual comfort, emotional strength and reduce feelings of isolation.”
as for what these hallucinations actually are, he says that it’s all about what’s happening in your brain.
“many scientists think that normal perception starts with the brain creating a prediction of what is ‘out there,'” mccarthy-jones writes on the conversation. “this prediction is then revised using feedback from the world, and forms the basis of what we perceive.”
in other words, “if someone has been a consistent, valued presence in your life, the brain is so used to predicting them that it may continue to do so.”
but for bill guggenheim, a stock broker turned adcs specialist and co-author of hello from heaven, these “connections” are so much more than hallucinations.
“according to our research, the purpose of these visits, contacts, and signs by those who have left their physical body is to offer comfort, reassurance, and hope to their parents, spouse, siblings, children, grandchildren, other family members, and friends,” he writes, adding that there are twelve kinds of adcs, ranging from photos being turned over and floating hologram-like images of the deceased, to answering the phone to hear their voice on the other end of the line.
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certainly, for some, seeing — or “feeling” the presence of — those who have died is not all warm and fuzzy. and for sure, getting a phone call from someone who has passed does feel a bit, well, strange. and while my mom and her siblings find nothing creepy — or irrational — about being visited by people who have passed, mccarthy-jones acknowledges that bereavement hallucinations come with stigma: seeing dead people may mean you are losing it. unless you live in japan, that is, where a study found that “90 per cent of widows said they felt the presence of their dead spouses, yet none worried about their sanity.”
but scientists say there’s no cause for alarm.
“it’s not unusual for bereaved individuals to dream of their deceased loved ones, to half look for them in crowds, to sense their presence, feel them watching out for or protecting them, to rehearse discussions or “speak” to them,” psychiatrists sidney zisook and katherine shear write in their review, grief and bereavement: what psychiatrists need to know. they also note that auditory or visual hallucinations of the deceased are often seen during acute grief — the period right after the loss, and that people also sometimes continue their relationship with the deceased by keeping objects such as clothing or jewellery, lighting candles or “identification phenomena” — living legacies like memorial donations or endowments.
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obviously, there is no right or wrong way to experience grief. as a colleague put it in an email this week: “this is my one true love we’re talking about and i will always miss him.” she lost her boyfriend to cancer three years ago. “i know it sounds like i may have lost my marbles, but i would give anything to hear his voice one more time, to see him,” she wrote. “my door is open.”
mine is too. maybe not for phone calls, or slamming doors, but i’d be okay with a foggy hello or a dreamy conversation. and i am sure, if there is any way that he knows i am writing this, my brother is laughing hysterically. but dude, i don’t care if it sounds like i have lost my marbles. if you can read this, swing by for a bit. i’d love to see you.
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