machado: finding resilience amid pandemic pain
while it may seem that resilience comes naturally to some, it’s actually not innate.
4 minute read
amid the pain and broken social links of the pandemic, it can be hard to overcome your grief.
i have this friend.
she’s smart, funny, beautiful, and kind. she loves her young daughter and talks about her often. before covid, we would have had lots of chances to chat and compare stories about what’s happening in our lives — things like what’s on deck for the weekend, which family member is annoying us the most and maybe a little bit of fun office gossip. we would see each other’s faces, and the way we held our shoulders — straight up and light, or maybe, slightly curved, weighed down by some kind of burden. we would recognize tired eyes, and dark circles, observations that might warrant a check in with each other right then, or maybe a quick email once back at our desks to make sure everything was okay.
this — the moments of connection throughout the day, the chance to visually assess our colleagues for okay-ness, the opportunity to hear the catch in someone’s voice when they utter a too-quick ‘i’m fine’ to the routine ‘how are you?’ and to notice long absences from a desk, or hear quiet sniffles coming from a bathroom stall — the pandemic has stolen it all from us.
and sure, there are the daily video calls, but let’s be honest, the only observation that’s happening there is us staring at our own faces and wishing for the countless meetings to just end. noticing a colleague’s struggle is limited to just a head and shoulders and a reliable wifi connection — not really conducive to judging wellness.
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so when my friend and colleague shared that she had spent the last week fielding phone calls and texts — sometimes many in one day — from her family in india announcing illness and death because of covid, i was shocked that she was dealing with such grief behind the screen and no one knew. unlike myself, who, to my mother’s dismay, often chooses to share personal issues with anyone who will read them, there was no opportunity for my friend to share with the world the devastation she was witnessing from afar. and also, no meaningful way for those around her to check in. after all, it’s pretty difficult to get death and sadness into a video call on p&l and thought leadership.
but there is more to say about this than to just comment on yet another way the pandemic has broken our social links and is hurting us.
it also reminded me of the incredible power and resilience of the human spirit. we live through unfathomable pain and sadness, grieve as if our heart is literally breaking into pieces and just when we feel that we can’t possibly go on, we do. and even though it feels insurmountable and overwhelming and bigger than us and we can’t imagine a day that the pain isn’t gnawing at our insides and stealing our breath — that day comes.
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and during all of this, we continue to show up in all the ways we need to, to our children, our partners, and to the workmates on the screen. my friend finds joy and peace in her little girl, so at her side is where she spends much of her time these days.
in my work with people living with cancer, i continue to be surprised and humbled by those who — despite facing painful and exhausting treatments — can still find joy in a good joke or feeling the sun on their face. these are people who measure a “great” day by their ability to get out of bed each morning, and they are pretty thrilled with that.
and while it may seem that resilience comes naturally to some, it’s actually not innate. rather, the awe-inspiring ability to adapt to adversity is more of a skill of sorts that one can learn and actually get better at.
according to the american psychological association, there are four things that can increase resilience and help us withstand — and recover from — trauma. the first is connection by spending time with the peeps who care about you, who can provide empathy and support and remind you that you are not alone.
second is self-care, no surprise there. proper nutrition, quality sleep, staying hydrated and exercising strengthens your body and helps reduce the toll of emotions, like anxiety and depression. also in this category is mindfulness and avoiding the temptation to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs.
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healthy thinking is the third resilience-builder, and includes avoiding catastrophizing and worrying that the world is out to get you. instead, visualize how you hope your life will be and pay attention to the little ways you may start to feel better. also, think back to all the times you have survived adversity — you did it once, you will do it again.
finally, find your purpose. helping others creates a sense of empowerment, which also builds resilience and provides some self-discovery that can help you recognize the ways hard times have made you stronger, even while you felt vulnerable.
of course, this is all really hard, and if you are stuck, there’s nothing wrong with some extra help from a professional who can help make sense of the stuff that, most of the time is so, so hard to understand.
there’s no question that the last year and a bit has been extremely difficult for all of us in many different ways. whether you feel resilient or not, if you got out of bed this morning, that’s a plus. and for my friend, and the many others who are quietly moving forward in darkness, know that you aren’t alone.
you will make it through.
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