the liberals' imagined plan to stave off electoral humiliation
justin trudeau's government could be facing annihilation in the next election. here are the imagined results of a liberal plan to stop that
2 minute read
one suggestion: tell justin trudeau to use his real voice when speaking in public.
ethan cairns/the canadian press
for more than a year, justin trudeau’s government has been on track for a devastating defeat in the next election. but only now have polls begun to show that they might be facing near-total annihilation. according to the results of an angus reid institute poll published this week, the liberals could enter the next parliament with a caucus of just six seats. this is where we usually put dear diary, the national post’s satirical re-imagining of a week in the life of a newsmaker. instead, here’s something a little different: the imagined results of a liberal brainstorming session on how they could possibly avoid a humiliating defeat in the next election.
“it was all a dream”
convince the electorate that the pre-2015 era was a dream, and that low crime and affordable housing is something they’ve only really ever seen on american tv.
convince the electorate that the pre-2015 era was a dream, and that low crime and affordable housing is something they’ve only really ever seen on american tv.
the being john malkovich strategy
say that the prime minister has been the victim of a chinese mind control operation for the last 10 years … and that every single word and action since 2015 has been directed by hostile puppeteers from beijing. announce in a live telecast that he’s all better now.
say that the prime minister has been the victim of a chinese mind control operation for the last 10 years … and that every single word and action since 2015 has been directed by hostile puppeteers from beijing. announce in a live telecast that he’s all better now.
the opposite
do the exact opposite of everything we’ve done to this point; no exceptions. run a $60 billion surplus. subsidize gasoline by 14 cents per litre. stop throwing female ministers under the bus whenever things go wrong, but constantly issue statements saying that women are inferior chattel.
do the exact opposite of everything we’ve done to this point; no exceptions. run a $60 billion surplus. subsidize gasoline by 14 cents per litre. stop throwing female ministers under the bus whenever things go wrong, but constantly issue statements saying that women are inferior chattel.
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the island redoubt
move the entire treasury, civil service, liberal caucus and military to newfoundland. declare the island the only true representative of canada. continue doing g7 and united nations stuff in perpetuity as the government of canada.
move the entire treasury, civil service, liberal caucus and military to newfoundland. declare the island the only true representative of canada. continue doing g7 and united nations stuff in perpetuity as the government of canada.
two $500 cheques
remember when we gave out $500 cheques to pay rent? what if we gave out two of those?
remember when we gave out $500 cheques to pay rent? what if we gave out two of those?
blame the world economic forum
say that our wef instructions were mistranslated, and that it actually said to increase productivity, prioritize energy production and run immigration sustainably.
say that our wef instructions were mistranslated, and that it actually said to increase productivity, prioritize energy production and run immigration sustainably.
secession and switch
tell quebec and alberta that the next election is a coded independence referendum, and that they can only vote for secession by marking it liberal.
tell quebec and alberta that the next election is a coded independence referendum, and that they can only vote for secession by marking it liberal.
pin it all on one guy. crucify him
identify the least liked member of the caucus (probably mark miller). leak a lengthy dossier linking him to everything that’s gone wrong, from housing unaffordability to arrivecan to the blackface scandal. then crucify him in a livestream … possibly literally.
identify the least liked member of the caucus (probably mark miller). leak a lengthy dossier linking him to everything that’s gone wrong, from housing unaffordability to arrivecan to the blackface scandal. then crucify him in a livestream … possibly literally.
talk normally
tell trudeau to use his real voice, rather than the breathy, halting, condescending one he insists on using in public all the time.
tell trudeau to use his real voice, rather than the breathy, halting, condescending one he insists on using in public all the time.
guilt trip
tell canadians that if they truly loved us they would just do what we asked.
tell canadians that if they truly loved us they would just do what we asked.
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the big secret
finally tell everyone the big secret: that new brunswick doesn’t exist. nova scotia directly borders quebec; the whole province is obviously made-up.
finally tell everyone the big secret: that new brunswick doesn’t exist. nova scotia directly borders quebec; the whole province is obviously made-up.
animal suffrage
find the most liberal animal and give it the vote. we’re focus-grouping stoats.
find the most liberal animal and give it the vote. we’re focus-grouping stoats.
the kamala option
engineer a backroom deal to force trudeau from power. replace him with a confused deputy who struggles to complete sentences. avoid interviews, attempt to cross the finish line with paid celebrity endorsements.
engineer a backroom deal to force trudeau from power. replace him with a confused deputy who struggles to complete sentences. avoid interviews, attempt to cross the finish line with paid celebrity endorsements.
götterdämmerung
canadians have failed us. they have broken faith. they are weak and they deserve to perish.
canadians have failed us. they have broken faith. they are weak and they deserve to perish.
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