‘i thought i was prepared, you’re never prepared’: newfoundland man reflects on wife’s maid death
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lorraine thornhill lived with huntington's disease and knew for years that she would eventually choose medical assistance in dying.
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jamie thornhill had five years to come to terms with the fact that his wife, lorraine thornhill, would one day choose medical assistance in dying (maid).
but when that day came, the reality of losing her was something he could never have been ready for.
“i thought i was prepared, you’re never prepared,” he said.
when lorraine was diagnosed with huntington’s disease, a progressive neurological condition that had already affected her father and other relatives, she raised maid at her first appointment.
she wanted to understand the process and know what would be involved when the time came, and thornhill knew from then that she had made up her mind.
lorraine thornhill with her husband, jamie thornhill, and daughter, chiara thornhill, during a family trip together.
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“she walked into the hospital that morning, holding on to my arm, and an hour later, i walked out, and she was gone,” he broke.
the experience has left thornhill with a complicated understanding of maid, one that holds both the peace he saw in lorraine’s final moments and the difficulties his family encountered around the process.
the date lorraine chose
lorraine had known for years that she wanted to decide on maid when the progression of huntington’s disease had taken her as far as she was willing to go.
by the time her maid date was set, thornhill said, she was mentally prepared.
then, just days before the appointment, the family was told the date would have to change because the doctor was unavailable.
lorraine had chosen may 24, but the family was told they would have to wait until the following day.
the extra day meant more time together, but thornhill said it was still difficult because lorraine had been preparing herself for a specific day.
“when someone picks their date mentally, they’re prepared for that date and time,” he said.
lorraine was upset, although the delay also gave her another day with her family and friends.
the uncertainty continued into the morning of the appointment, when the family knew they were going to the miller centre but did not initially know exactly where they were supposed to go.
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they were eventually told to meet at the palliative care unit and would be guided from there.
lorraine’s final morning
the family had to be at the hospital for 11:30 a.m., and thornhill had barely slept.
he and lorraine’s best friend kim mavin expected that the morning would be difficult for lorraine, but she surprised them by carrying on with her usual routine.
she put bread in the toaster, ran a bath and ate her breakfast before sitting down to spend some time with her daughter, chiara, cuddling on the couch.
chiara thornhill shares a hug with her mother, lorraine thornhill, during a moment together.
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when lorraine looked at the clock, she told them they had to leave.
“guys,” she said, according to thornhill, “we gotta get going. i can’t be late.”
he tried to make her laugh, joking that she was not going to a hair appointment and that nobody would care if she was late.
the family then made their way to the hospital.
thornhill found that he could not immediately go into lorraine’s room, needing some time to gather himself, while kim and chiara went in first.
when kim later told him about those first moments, she described lorraine as calm and relaxed.
lorraine was even wondering why her iv had not yet been inserted and why the process was taking so long.
“this is what she wanted. she was ready,” he said.
eventually, thornhill went into the room, where chiara was lying beside her mother on the bed, and kim was on the other side.
he stood above lorraine, holding her hand.
the moment she passed
once lorraine was settled, nurses inserted her iv lines and the doctor came in to confirm that she still wanted to proceed.
the family had time to say their goodbyes, while a minister came into the room to pray with them.
thornhill, chiara and kim remained with lorraine.
when the doctor began administering the medication, thornhill said everything happened quickly.
“when he put the first needle in, she lifted up her head, and she looked over at me, and she said, ‘i love you,’” he said.
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“and with that, she was gone. it was that quick.”
chiara thornhill, lorraine thornhill, jamie thornhill and kim mavin enjoying one of the many moments they shared together, surrounded by newfoundland’s natural scenery.
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the process involved three injections, with the first relaxing lorraine’s body, the second putting her into a coma and the third stopping her muscles from functioning.
for thornhill, the experience was unlike watching someone die after a prolonged illness, where families may spend months or years witnessing a loved one’s suffering.
he described lorraine’s death as the most peaceful thing he had ever witnessed, despite the pain of losing her.
“there’s not this long death, i call it, watching someone suffering in the bed,” he said. “the family is suffering. but it is so peaceful for her.”
he believes that is something families considering maid need to understand, while also recognizing that there is no way to truly prepare someone for what it feels like to be there.
the journey home
thornhill does not remember leaving the hospital.
friends who had been with the family took his car keys from him and insisted on driving him home.
he had intended to drive himself, but those around him knew he was not in a state to do so.
lorraine thornhill (fourth from left) with her husband jamie thornhill pose for a photo with members of the paradise centennial lions club at a convention in gander.
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the group stopped at tim hortons on the way home, but thornhill cannot remember going inside.
“to this day, i still cannot remember going into tim hortons,” he said.
looking back, he is grateful that his friends recognized what he needed in a moment when he could not see it himself.
the family had also been supported throughout the wider process by friends and relatives, as well as people thornhill came to know through the huntington’s community.
he specifically credits jill ford, a resource director, and david mcgregor, a genetics counsellor, for their support throughout the years and on the day lorraine died.
“without them, i don’t know if i’d be here today,” he said.
lorraine’s final family trip
before lorraine’s death, the family took one last trip together around newfoundland, visiting three places as part of a journey lorraine had wanted to make with him and chiara.
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“just to see lorraine’s face,” thornhill said. “she was so happy and so at peace in bonavista.”
as they travelled, lorraine would often look out the window at the clouds. she would tell her family, “oh, it won’t be too long now, i’m gonna be up there looking down at you.”
“i tell you… that was hard,” he broke.
jamie and lorraine thornhill loved going camping and any outdoor trips together.
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after lorraine died, thornhill and chiara travelled to nova scotia to spread her ashes, returning to a place that had been an important part of their family’s life and where chiara was born.
they also visited friends who had supported the family for years, but the trip carried the weight of another goodbye.
“we had our moments where we were spreading lorraine’s ashes,” he said.
chiara thornhill and her father, jamie thornhill, who have been leaning on each other as they navigate life after lorraine’s death.
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“that was difficult, just knowing that we were coming back here and a part of her was now there.”
the gifts lorraine left behind
lorraine had not only prepared herself for her death; she had prepared for the people who would have to live with her absence.
she had cards and gifts made for thornhill and chiara, leaving them to be opened after she died.
thornhill kept his in a dresser for almost a month before he could bring himself to open it.
lorraine had a card made for her husband with a message about how much she cared for him, along with other small gifts.
lorraine, chiara and jamie thornhill went on a family trip in april, as lorraine’s last wish.
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after 27 years of marriage, he said the experience also revealed something about his wife that he had not fully understood before.
“it blows me away. i never knew that she had this much strength,” he said.
what happened after
thornhill said the support his family received from friends, relatives and healthcare professionals was invaluable, but the experience also left him with the feeling that families could benefit from more support after a loved one dies through maid.
“for the maid program itself, there is no support, there is nothing afterwards,” thornhill said.
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thornhill said he understands the hospital sees many deaths, but believes the experience of a maid death is different and that families could benefit from someone checking in with them afterwards.
lorraine thornhill with her mother, jane cox, sharing a moment together.
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there were also moments during the process when thornhill felt the family could have been treated with more consideration.
on the morning of lorraine’s scheduled death, the family was waiting in the hallway while she was being settled into her room when a nurse told them they could not remain there.
“we could have been told this prior, that you can’t be in the hallway, but you don’t have to come out here while we’re waiting for my wife to be settled in the bed so we can go back in to see her,” he said.
finding a way forward
in the months since lorraine’s death, thornhill and chiara have been learning how to live without her together.
thornhill has returned to work, while he and his daughter have kept busy and continued to spend time together.
some of the ways they remember lorraine are rooted in the small things she loved, including maple liqueur, which she would have when she and thornhill went out with friends at the lions club or attended a dance.
the family brought a bottle with them to the hospital on the day lorraine died.
with permission, they stood around her bed and each had a shot.
lorraine had three.
on july 24, what would have been her 55th birthday, thornhill and chiara went out for supper, then returned home and had a couple of shots of the same maple liqueur in her honour.
‘the good, the bad stuff’
thornhill has now signed up to volunteer with a maid program, hoping to support families who are considering the decision or preparing for the death of someone they love.
his own experience has taught him that there is a difference between being told what the process will be like and actually living through it.
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he wants to be able to talk honestly about both sides of that experience, including the peace his family found in lorraine’s final moments and the difficulties they faced before and after her death.
“i want to share my story. the good and the bad stuff,” he said.
“hopefully i can help families that have got questions or think that they’ve got to figure it out or think they know what’s going to happen, because it’s not what you expect. it’s really not.”
lorraine thornhill with her best friend, kim mavin, who was by her side during her final moments.
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the most important thing he would tell families is to make sure they have people around them who can support them through what follows.
“make sure that you’ve got your support system in place,” he said.
thornhill knows now that he could not have prepared himself for the moment lorraine walked into the hospital holding his arm, or for the silence of the drive home afterwards.
“i just want to be able to make sure families that are making this decision understand,” he said.
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