what makes for a healthy relationship? auberge shalom is teaching students to spot abuse

rebecca caplin, a social worker at auberge shalom pour femmes, and its outreach and prevention co-ordinator, eva gourdji, stood before 21 grade 7 students late one morning this month at the study, a private school for girls. on the whiteboard at the front of the classroom were three blank columns: they were headed “healthy,” “unhealthy” and “abusive.”an hour seemed to fly by as the two auberge shalom workers guided the students in a lively, wide-ranging and informative exchange about characteristics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. they didn’t lecture, but asked open-ended questions and, as students raised their hands to answer, called on them and engaged with them.read more: when intimacy kills: finding a way outcaplin and gourdji began by describing the work of the auberge shalom shelter, a safe place for women who have experienced intimate partner violence and their children, and answering questions — “that’s a really good question,” both said a number of times — and then segued into a discussion.what, they asked, are aspects of a healthy relationship?“when you can be open with a person,” one student responded.others chimed in, citing such attributes as respect, honesty, loyalty, support, compromise and quality time as hallmarks of healthy relationships. as each was mentioned, it was marked on the whiteboard in the “healthy” column.the girls were among the 600 or so students in montreal schools — english-language and french-language, public and private — who have participated this academic year in healthy relationship workshops given by auberge shalom. a second grade 7 class at the study, with another 21 students, will attend such a workshop this week.in addition to operating a shelter and an external counselling office, auberge shalom provides education, advocacy and prevention services. in 2022, the board decided to expand the organization’s community-based prevention work, explained sarah rosenhek, director of programs and prevention at auberge shalom: the majority of that work is being done in schools.questions and answers flowed seamlessly during the workshop at the study as caplin and gourdji, using clear and direct language, held the students’ attention.gourdji inquired about “a normal amount of time to spend with friends.” would it be healthy, she asked, to “spend every minute with the same person?” “nooo!” the students responded, virtually in unison.having alone time “can be recharging,” one said.asked for examples of unhealthy relationships, the students cited frequent fighting, lack of trust and manipulation — “trying to twist a situation,” caplin suggested.they mentioned cheating; a refusal to be accountable for one’s behaviour in an argument; pushing boundaries.caplin raised the issue of setting boundaries. in a healthy relationship with, say, a boyfriend, when you put your foot down, “he recognizes a boundary and respects it,” she said. not so in an unhealthy relationship.unhealthy relationships often feel “confusing and uncomfortable,” gourdji said.

one issue raised in the workshops is the importance of distinguishing between feelings and behaviour, said rosenhek. take jealousy. “we ask: ‘is jealousy always bad?’ we say jealousy is a feeling — and feeling jealousy doesn’t mean you need to act on it. but you do need to communicate about it in a healthy way.“if you’re in a healthy relationship, you can say, ‘when you went out with my friend, i was jealous.’ but if you see jealousy turning into a pattern of behaviour, then we’re getting into red-flag territory,” she said.she continued: “your partner won’t stop texting you: is it unhealthy — or abusive because it is a pattern? we try to reinforce how repetition and pattern are the core components of an abusive relationship. ... if someone throws a lamp across the room, it is very likely that many other forms of non-physical abuse have taken place before that.”possessive behaviour is one unhealthy way of dealing with jealousy, gourdji said. and the extreme version of possessive behaviour is control: at that point, she said, the behaviour crosses the line from unhealthy into abusive.asked for aspects of abusive behaviour, one student cited physical aggression. aggression in general, another said. mental abuse, said a third. “mental abuse is a big one,” said caplin.name-calling, putting another person down, calling someone ugly: all are forms of emotional abuse, said gourdji. another is blackmail — “if someone has information about you and they use it against you,” as one student put it.blackmail is often online: sharing photos or other personal information that another person doesn’t want shared, gourdji said.caplin asked about isolation — if a partner keeps you away from your friends. someone experiencing intimate partner violence is often isolated by an abuser from family and friends, she said — “and that can feel really scary.”gourdji asked: “when we think about gender stereotypes, we think of a man abusing a woman. is this always the case?”no, the students replied: any type of abuse can exist.statistically, most victims of intimate partner violence are, in fact, women. but there is a lack of resources for boys or men who experience this form of abuse, gourdji said, “and gender inequality hurts everyone.”rosenhek explained how all the workshops include a segment addressing gender dynamics, “where we unpack with students what gender stereotypes are and how the messages we receive about how boys and girls should behave can negatively impact our relationships and sometimes make unhealthy or abusive behaviours seem normal or excusable."“we talk about where these messages can come from — online, tv shows, movies, family, friends,” she said.“with the younger students, we talk a lot about friendships, healthy and unhealthy relationships and stereotypes like ‘boys don’t cry’ or ‘girls are bossy.’ it’s more about creating awareness and understanding about gender stereotypes and how we all have the power to challenge them.”caplin asked the students at the study: “we have all heard the statement that boys don’t cry — but then how are boys supposed to express themselves?“if a man has not been taught to express himself,” she said, “that can turn into anger or aggressivity.”in discussing gender stereotypes with older students, said rosenhek, “we can go deeper into examples of how such stereotypes can impact dating and romantic relationships and the connection with social media and technology."“we ask open-ended questions," she said, "like ‘what about when your boyfriend or girlfriend tracks your location?’ and ‘what is the difference between healthy intimacy and when we are getting into patterns of control?’”consider controlling behaviour disguised as protection or flattery — as in “i love you so much i don’t want to share you,” she said.“they might perceive these behaviours as love. we try to unpack that and to describe one-time unhealthy behaviour versus a pattern of such behaviour.”anyone can end up in an abusive relationship, rosenhek said. one goal of the workshops is to help teens recognize the not-always-obvious signs of abuse in a romantic relationship.there is discussion, for instance, of how the practice of “love bombing,” a manipulative tactic that involves excessive affection, gifts and attention early on to gain control, can lead to a toxic relationship in which one becomes isolated from her support group and deprived of freedom as “slowly, everything just fades,” rosenhek said.data from the most recent (2022-23) instalment of the quebec survey on the health of secondary school students, which involved more than 70,000 students across the province, showed an upward trend in violence in intimate relationships among montreal adolescents: 38 per cent reported having experienced at least one act of physical, psychological or sexual violence by a partner in the previous 12 months. that’s up from 31 per cent in the survey’s first instalment (2010-11).a grant from a city of montreal program, prévention montréal: programme de prévention en sécurité urbaine pour les enfants et les jeunes en situation de vulnérabilité, contributes to the cost of the auberge shalom workshops with younger students — those in grades 5 to 8. the city’s grant also helps pay for workshops to equip parents to support their children in developing healthy relationships as well as for workshops for social service providers.the auberge shalom workshops with students in grades 9 through 11 are funded privately, through individual major gifts to auberge shalom or through community foundations.feedback from teachers and from students has shown that the workshops “are filling a gap,” rosenhek said. “these conversations aren’t ones that youth tend to have anywhere else.”as the recent workshop at the study drew to a close, teacher lindsay caron addressed her students. “you spoke with maturity and ease,” she said. “what can we do with this information? reflect on it together: we will come up with some ideas.”people facing intimate partner violence can contact sos violence conjugale 24 hours a day at 1-800-363-9010.