mother’s day can be complicated for some. here’s how to cope

it's generally marketed as a time for celebration, but for some, it can bring up difficult emotions.for those who are grieving, have complicated family dynamics, or are navigating infertility or loss, mother's day might feel more like dreadful reminder of what's missing."for some people, it's really, really challenging," said anna weinberg, associate professor in clinical psychology at mcgill university. "if you grew up with a really difficult mom, or if you lost your mom, or, of course, if you're trying to conceive and you can't, those are all really valid reasons to feel a lot of sadness around mother's day."for those for whom the day is less about brunch and flowers and more about navigating complex emotions, montreal mental health professionals have some tips. feel your feelings"do whatever you need to do on the day to acknowledge and honour those feelings," weinberg said. "what that is, what that looks like, is going to be different for different people. i think just allowing yourself to feel sad is the first step."christina koufoudakis, montreal counsellor and psychotherapist, said if it's an emotionally loaded day, try to avoid feeling pressure to be grateful or push through discomfort."allowing space for sadness, longing, anger, or tenderness is what creates emotional relief and healing over time," she said. "it’s usually the resistance to those feelings, rather than the feelings themselves, that creates deeper tension and prolonged suffering." plan your day koufoudakis suggests scheduling care, comfort, connection or meaningful distraction in advance instead of winging it day of. "the hardest mother’s days are often the ones that feel emotionally unstructured," she said. if you're grieving, a grief ritual might be helpful, said vanessa delisle, crisis psychologist at st. mary’s hospital and founder of bridge mental health and therapy services in westmount."you include a meaningful reminder of the loved one, and maybe that looks like going through a photo album or listening to a song that you guys would listen to, or making one of (their) favorite meals," she said. "during that time, you're really going allow whatever emotions to come up and be there and you're going to talk yourself through it with some compassion.""acknowledge how you're feeling: 'this is hard, but it's ok that it is, and i can do this,'" delisle said. "meeting all those emotions that would come up in that moment with some self compassion."if you're estranged from your mother, considering writing a letter that you won't send, "just to allow that cathartic expression of emotion," delisle said.you can also write a letter of gratitude and appreciation to yourself, "about how you've always had to figure it out alone, how you've shown up for yourself, the hard things that you've navigated," she said.you can also write down needs that haven't been met by parental figures and plan how you can meet them on your own, so you feel more in control.if you're struggling to conceive, it might be helpful to surround yourself with people who've been through similar experiences. if you don't feel like talking, consider turning to relevant books or podcasts."i think that's part of looking inwards and seeing, do i actually want to be with someone right now?" delisle said. "do i want to be talking about this with someone, or do i need to be giving myself a little bit of space to process this on my own?" boundaries are okit's ok to decline invitations, leave places early, stay off social media and generally "protect your peace without guilt," koufoudakis said. "there may be social consequences to setting boundaries, but let this be so. your wellbeing matters, too."delisle had similar advice, suggesting to set those boundaries in advance. "how do you want that day to go and how do you want to protect yourself?" she said. honour the day in other waysthe day can also be about honouring "chosen family, caregivers, stepmothers, mentors, pet parents, future hopes, or the deep human and feminine instinct to nurture and love," koufoudakis said.if you have a different maternal figure in your life, "you might choose to spend time with them as well," delisle said."we say mother's day, but the word mother can mean so many things to so many different people."offer yourself the compassion you would extend to someone else, koufoudakis said."buy yourself flowers. write yourself a card. mark the day in a way that acknowledges your experience and your love for someone you've lost, or who hasn't arrived yet, even if the path looks different than you hoped."kthomas@postmedia.com