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anorexia nervosa and trauma: what it feels like
"not eating becomes your identity. and that identity becomes your witness to what has happened to you," says natalya anderson.
as told to: 'depression is a rot that likes to keep hidden in the dark recesses of your mind'
clay jonathan shares refuge from depression in his popular work depression comix.
clay jonathan's 'depression comix' takes a look at the struggle of living with depression. the collection was selected for preservation by the library of congress. (strip 183: 'your depression can't be bothering you that much.')
clay jonathan is a canadian high school teacher by day, and comic artist by night. he writes and draws depression comix, “a graphical representation of how depression and other related illnesses feel from a personal perspective.” the collection, which was selected for preservation by the library of congress, became popular in the early days of social media and struck a chord in the very online portion of the mental health community who found themselves and their struggles with depression acutely represented through the incredible power of art. this is his story.
like a lot of people, i was living with depression but i didn’t know i was. i just thought of it as part of who i was and didn’t think it was anything special that needed to be treated. when i participated in some psychology experiments in university, it was then i realized that there was indeed something wrong. i was given advice to get in touch with counselling for feelings of anxiety, dread and discomfort. i did that, but i still didn’t fully understand the depth of the problem. because i had been living with it for so long, it had messed up my perception of the world so i couldn’t really understand it was me that was having the problem – not the world i was seeing through the lens of depression.
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it was a bit of a struggle and a wait to get to a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis and start medication. but when i did, i found that my first appointment involved very little talking, plus a prescription for prozac. i didn’t know how these pills could help me; back then, there wasn’t exactly a robust internet to get answers from. however, i did feel ashamed for taking them and didn’t tell anybody except my mother. when i did tell her, she flipped out and told me that the prozac would make me kill everyone in their sleep. so because of that, i ended the prescription and getting help. i feared it would make people trust me less.
some time later, i moved to japan, hoping that a change of environment would help. but i was still nagged by sleeping problems and decided to see a doctor. their (very quick) diagnosis was that i was homesick and should just go back home to canada. i knew that wasn’t the issue, but it dissuaded me from getting help here, in japan.
about three years ago, i knew i needed to make a change so i decided to try again. this time i found a doctor who didn’t ask many questions and just gave me the medication. that was the biggest milestone. it made my depression feel like a real medical problem instead of “being selfish” or being “a whiner,” many of the stereotypes of depressed people that were common and still are. my medication helped me sleep at night and made my life easier to live. i had also cultivated a number of friends who understood, so it felt like i didn’t need to keep it hidden anymore. it’s a lot easier to deal with if you have support that is not judgmental. i didn’t have a support system for a long time, though. because of my experiences at the beginning and the shame i felt, i didn’t seek it out. that said, i think one of the biggest pieces of support one can get is just reassurance that it is a problem and not some personality defect. thankfully, i have since been able to cultivate that support, but it has been a quarter century struggle to get there.
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one way i found to express my feelings was through my art. i always loved drawing comics from when i was barely old enough to write. i like the comic’s ability to tell a story and i think it’s less work to digest than, say, the written word by itself. i don’t really find it cathartic, but when i’m in the “zone” drawing, i think of nothing other than drawing. i become focused and nothing else matters but the area where the pen hits the paper. all other pains and things i don’t really want to think about fall in the background and i can let myself be consumed in the moment. i also play guitar and find that comforting as well. all art is performance and when you’re concentrating on that, nothing else exists. mind you, the depression doesn’t disappear and sometimes it prevents you from getting into that mode, but when you do get into it, nothing else matters.
so, in 1997, i started a mainly biographical comic. but it wasn’t doing anything for me because i felt i had to “justify” my depression. like i had to have a good origin story for it, one that would satisfy any critic looking to dismiss the illness. then, two years later, i started an adult humour comic, but depression made it difficult to continue. it sputtered and every time i tried to get it going again i couldn’t. a lot of bad stuff happened around that comic, but i loved drawing and tried to find a way to keep it going.
clay jonathan writes and draws depression comix, ‘a graphical representation of how depression and other related illnesses feel from a personal perspective.’ supplied
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however, when i was drawing a comic strip in 2011, i had a moment where i felt a huge wave of despair come over me. maybe it was because i was drawing a comic that, despite its popularity, never accomplished anything for me professionally. trying to be funny to an audience i’d never met was also a huge stress. i’d see reviews knocking my art or saying “he’s not as funny as he used to be.” i felt washed up, i wasn’t connecting to anyone. so this sudden wave of despair washed over me. everything blurred in front of my eyes and became darker. and after a few minutes when it was finished, i had a thought: what if i could draw this feeling?
it made me realize what was important wasn’t the origin story of depression, it was the feeling itself. if i could capture that feeling in a picture, that was what was important – not the characters. the characters could be anyone, what was important was the sensation and experience.
the next morning, i went to a starbucks before work. i drew the two blandest characters i could think of. i called it depression comix because i was looking for irony in the title; comix are supposed to be funny and amusing, but this was going to be about depression. i made the first two comics during my lunch break, and they were up on the internet that night. it was all very spontaneous.
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after i posted it on tumblr, i was prepared to take it down and say it was all a joke. i was expecting to see comments making fun of both depression as an illness and me for making a strip about depression. and if that happened, i could take it down, say, ‘haha, just kidding. look at the title, look at the style, you can see i wasn’t serious.’ but it got a lot of likes, and it started to gather steam. i didn’t know what to do, it was an unplanned thing. this was a comic about depression, i didn’t think i could continue for very long as i didn’t have any material. i thought, at best, i could get 20 strips out of the idea. but it ended up becoming very popular on tumblr, and i found i didn’t want to stop. today, i’m approaching 500 strips.
depression is like an onion. you keep peeling layers off and discover a new one underneath. and as i was drawing the comic, i kept on finding new layers. it forced me to examine myself and how depression affects every aspect of my life. it forced me to read up on it, become informed, and listen to the stories of others. i had to find common aspects and experiences and make it more universal. i don’t think i fully understand depression, but i can describe it better now. my only goal is to finish the next strip. and when i finish that, my goal will be to finish the one after that. it’s kind of like living with depression, you survive one day at a time. http://www.depressioncomix.com/posts/183/ i think the reason so many have connected with the comic is because it’s not autobiographical in any way, it’s a bunch of avatars that describe what depression is for me. i focus on a universal aspect of the illness and have the characters work it out. my best advice, then, is to externalize your depression as much as you can. it is a rot that likes to keep hidden in the dark recesses of your mind. it messes with everything — your memory, your personality, your perception, and even how your body naturally functions. get it out into the light somehow.
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what i do is i cruelly give characters in a comic strip depression and watch them live in my four-panel petri dish. i look at them and it helps me understand more about myself and what depression is doing to me. i’ve gotten a lot of ‘aha!’ moments out of doing my art and hopefully others can do the same through their art.
it may not cure depression, but it makes living with yourself a lot easier.
sadaf ahsan is a toronto-based culture writer, editor and stereotypical middle child. she can be reached here.
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