living with an eating disorder: ‘everybody deserves recovery’
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while rachel had been underweight for their whole life, it wasn’t until grade 10 that things began to take a turn for the worse.
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rachel rembala would skip breakfast at home, offering up excuses of being too tired to eat or lacking time before having to make it to class to their parents. at school, they would tell their friends they had forgotten to pack a lunch.
they only ate in front of others because, if people saw them eat, they couldn’t notice how little food they actually consumed. these habits were so that the people who loved them most wouldn’t be able to see what was really going on.
rachel had perfected the art of hiding an eating disorder (ed), something that is highly common for people with the same diagnosis to do. they knew something wasn’t right, that they weren’t healthy, but that wasn’t enough to change the trajectory of their ed.
it didn’t start intentionally
since they were very young, rachel struggled with various undiagnosed mental health afflictions. when they were 13, they managed to reach out for help, but the doctors “didn’t really know what to do with me.”
“i kind of just went home,” they said of getting turned away for support at the pivotal age. “things continued to get worse.
while rachel had been underweight for their whole life, it wasn’t until grade 10 that things began to take a turn into ed territory. they began eating less to lose a little weight, a common practice for anyone looking to shed a few pounds.
“eventually, i just got into that mindset of body dysmorphia. i didn’t know what i looked like when i looked in the mirror. i thought i looked big. it was very out of the blue, like i never thought i would have an eating disorder,” they said. “to all of a sudden care about my looks when i was already skinny to begin with just felt so weird to me.”
after a while of limiting food to the point of deprivation, rachel began experiencing the physical symptoms of an ed. missing menstrual periods, feeling tired all the time and a low heart rate were all present. rachel was also so devoid of energy that they could barely do anything but watch tv or read in bed, with their mother having to help them wash their hair because if they stood up for longer than five minutes at a time, they would get dizzy. their blood pressure was also alarmingly low.
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but knowing that they were sick wasn’t enough to beat out the constant barrage of noise that made rachel limit their food intake.
“i was concerned, but the feeling of wanting to look thin and wanting to look good was stronger, so i kind of kept going with it,” they said. “i didn’t want to recover.”
rachel was diagnosed with an ed after their first hospitalization. but that didn’t change anything. they continued down the same path as soon as they were discharged, “creating a cycle” of not eating, being hospitalized, getting discharged and doing it all over again.
“i felt like i was betraying myself and i was willingly choosing to be a less worth person of just love and respect. i felt kind of worthless, and that was the only thing that brought me worth, so i kind of just kept going with it,” they said of their ed and how it brought them feelings of self-esteem and value.
during this time, rachel convinced themselves over and over again that they weren’t “sick enough” to need to go into recovery—until one day, they realized that their whole life was ruined.
“i wasn’t in school. i barely had any friends. i didn’t have any aspirations, so my only hobby was my eating disorder. i considered it a hobby,” they said. “i always had this thought that i wasn’t sick enough, and i had to keep proving to myself that i was sick enough.”
after their ninth hospitalization, they went to ontario shores, and a “switch flipped.”
looking at ed recovery in a new way
the ontario shores eating disorder unit takes in 12 adolescents at a time, struggling with eating disorders. when rachel was given one of those 12 beds, their view of their condition was changed by the others who were there in the same shoes that they had been walking in for so long.
they met other kids who wanted to recover, who seemed enthusiastic about healing from their eds, and realized that the support they received was what they needed to change.
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“i was realizing that maybe recovering wasn’t as bad as i made it seem, and maybe being able to go to school again, having friends again, it kind of reminded me of the life i was missing out on, and i realized that i really did want to get back to it.”
rachel had to work back up to being able to eat solid foods. the first step in their recovery was not needing a feeding tube, and when they achieved that, the experience was difficult.
“i felt like i wasn’t sick anymore. i thought the tube was the only thing to prove i was still sick, so that was really difficult just getting over that mental block of, ‘i have to eat again and somehow feel good about myself for it.’”
rachel continued to make new goals surrounding food, like eating full meals without needing a replacement, speaking to a therapist about the mental aspect of their ed, and getting diagnosed for other mental illnesses they had when they were young but were never given proper diagnoses.
“i was finally able to get the proper medication for my different mental illnesses, and that helped a lot,” they said.
for the medication to work, rachel had to get their weight up, because certain antidepressants won’t work if someone is too underweight. while that piece was challenging for their body image, it allowed them to get on medication they had needed for so long, which made things much easier to cope with.
“i was feeling less depressed, just a lot of the problems i had, i was finally getting medicated for or i was getting the proper treatment,” they said.
they also did dbt, or dialectical behaviour therapy, which rachel “didn’t mind” even though they note that a lot of people hate it because it was so helpful in reaffirming that the fears they felt surrounding food and eating weren’t true, and they could break free from those feelings. they also had nurses and child and youth care workers/counsellors (cyc) around to help “regulate my emotions” after eating meals that caused spikes in stress.
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after a while in treatment, rachel started to realize just how bad things had gotten for them and how much they missed who they were prior to developing an ed.
“it was just really sad. i just felt so sad, kind of like i had my teenage years stolen from me because i would see on social media my friends going out and doing normal teenager things, and i couldn’t do that. i just had to really grieve the years that i lost and made me realize i don’t want to be stuck like this forever.”
dealing with stigma and moving forward
while treatment was successful for rachel, it didn’t stop them from experiencing stigma and its consequences. they would be triggered by comments of people telling them that they looked healthier, and even had to deal with a less experienced and empathetic cyc, perpetuating wrongful ideas and narratives.
“she was with me for one of my meals, and i was having a hard time, and i remember her telling me, ‘you come from a good family. you’re a middle-class white girl with little to no problems. why are you doing this to yourself? just eat.’ and i remember that conversation made me feel so invalid. it made me feel like i was a faker. like i was ruining my life on purpose.”
luckily for rachel, there were many other nurses and people in their unit who gave them enough support and validation that allowed them to change their thought processes surrounding self-worth that kept them tethered to their eating disorders.
“they believed in me. no matter what hospital i was at, all the nurses and cycs loved me, and i got along with them really well, so even though i felt unlovable and worthless, i was still meeting people every day that thought i was a good person, and i kind of learned my value from them,” they said.
living through an ed has also given rachel a new perspective on people as well. they are less judgmental toward others and strive to see the good in people because they understand what it feels like to struggle. now they can put themselves in others’ shoes and see that when someone else is having a hard time, what they need most is support, empathy and help.
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today, rachel’s life “isn’t perfect.” they still have their struggles, but they are back in school. they are being productive again and even getting back into their beloved hobbies of music and art.
rachel now realizes, and hopes others can realize, too, that “eating disorders aren’t a choice. it doesn’t matter what social class you are, what race you are, or anything. it doesn’t matter. it can happen to anyone, really.”
they continued, “i’ve met so many people with eating disorders that have never been to a hospital … and they’re still valid. it doesn’t even matter if nobody knows you have one. everybody deserves recovery.”
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