advice: is a fascination with feet a bad thing?
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fetishes can be used to get comfort in times of stress. stock/getty
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dear asking for a friend,
my husband and i have been married for almost 12 years. we have always had a healthy relationship all around.  we have a lot of fun together and our sex life has been awesome most of the time we have been together. we have been at home for weeks now, since covid-19 started, which has been great. we both lost our jobs unfortunately but we are enjoying the time together. but here’s the thing – my hubby seems to have developed a thing for my feet. if i walk around the house without socks, he’s always asking to fondle them. at first it was amazing – like daily foot massages. but now i fear that his attention is moving into sexual territory – and i am not sure how i feel about that. is it weird? also, how did it start? can you develop a fetish? is he just bored?Â
signed, hot feet
dear hot feet,
some women enjoy having their feet worshipped, and others cringe at the thought of being with a partner who is hardwired to get off this way. it’s hard to know exactly how many people have a thing for feet, but it’s way more common than you think. do a little digging online and you’ll learn that people can be sexually aroused by all sorts of things, including quicksand (and yes, it’s considered normal), and that a fetish only crosses the line if you’re forced into it or it harms you in any way.
there are a ton of theories on why some people go toe-tally bonkers for feet and most are rooted in early childhood experiences and classical conditioning, which may have triggered the brain to create a lasting sexual association to feet. but as some experts point out, atypical sexual interests, called paraphilias, might not be linked to a specific event or situation.
“the current evidence suggests paraphilias result from differences in the brain and that the roots of those differences occur before birth,†says dr. james cantor, psychologist and director of theâ toronto sexuality centre. “there is no evidence to suggest that a person develops paraphilias over the course of life.â€
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before you dig in your heels, why not try to find a way to gently introduce the subject and give your husband a chance to talk about it? lots of people suppress or hide their sexual interests from their partners out of fear of being shamed for it. maybe your husband is slowly testing the waters, or maybe the stress of being cooped up at home without a job is making him want to escape for a bit — in your feet.
“in times of stress — such as the current covid-19 crisis — many men turn to sex and masturbation for self-soothing, to help relax or fall asleep,†says cantor. “they will then use (or feel tempted to use) their fetish interests for the greater relief it yields relative to the ‘vanilla’ materials to which they had been limiting themselves. that pattern can make it seem that the fetish just started, when it is instead only the external expression that has changed.â€
maybe next time your husband is fondling your feet, you can casually ask him why he’s so fascinated with your footsies. the goal here is to create a safe space in which you can both openly share your desires, and your boundaries too.
“there is nothing inherently wrong with a foot fetish, and it is no problem at all for the two of you to explore and enjoy it together,†says cantor. “although your sex life may need to adjust a bit, it remains just as important for you to get as much out of your play time together as he does.â€
hot feet, it sounds like you and your partner have great sexual chemistry and that you’re on the same page most of the time. if your husband has a thing for feet, there’s a way to create space for it without overwhelming your sex life. if you’re willing to step outside of your comfort zone and keep an open mind, you can try ease into the foot thing, perhaps through porn and foreplay. and if you add some of your own desires into the mix, it might just refresh your connection with your husband and spice up the sex repertoire.
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but if the thought of fondling his junk with your footsies simply turns you off, that’s okay too. know your boundaries and express them. the road to a deep and meaningful relationship is when both partners feel empowered to step into their own truth.
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