advice: my partner's sex drive is in free fall
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dear asking for a friend,
my partner’s sex drive has taken a nosedive, and he almost never initiates sex anymore. i know he is not cheating on me, but his lack of interest makes me feel upset and rejected. now that we’re in each other’s face 24/7, i’m feeling less patient, and more confrontational and resentful. is there something we can do to get through this funk?
signed, wanting more
dear wanting more,
age, stress, hormonal changes, certain medications or an underlying health condition might be to blame for changes in your sex life or there could be a deeper issue that needs to be addressed, such as a waning emotional connection. if your partner is feeling pressured to have sex and if you’re feeling rejected, resentment can build up and make the situation worse.
“mismatched libidos, also known as desire discrepancy, is a common challenge that many couples face,” says kevin singh, relationship and sex therapist at relationship and sex therapy solutions in toronto. “beyond satisfaction and connection, it is important to positively affect a dynamic like this because it can leave a person feeling pressured, deprived, or rejected.”
for men in particular, a drop in testosterone levels, inadequate sleep, and too much or too little exercise can take a toll on the libido. chronic health conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol, along with certain medications, such as those used to treat anxiety or depression, can also impact a man’s sex drive. additionally, performance issues and erectile dysfunction can conjure up feelings of stress and anxiety and make a man avoid sex altogether.
there is no question that when one partner experiences low sexual desire, it impacts both people in the relationship. but instead of losing your patience, try having a candid conversation with your partner. if you can do this in a mature and non-judgmental way, your partner might open up and share what he’s really feeling. together, you might be able to get to the core of the issue and experience a breakthrough where you find a solution on your own or through an intervention from a family doctor or a sex therapist.
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whatever the root cause of your partner’s low sex drive, we’re pretty sure he’s feeling bad about it, and right now, he probably needs a partner who is more supportive and less confrontational. as you get older, you too might experience changes in your libido, especially around menopause when hormonal changes, hot flashes, vaginal dryness and weight gain might make you feel anything but frisky.
the good news is that if what your partner is experiencing is just a temporary funk, there are steps you can take to try to improve your sex life even if you’re in constantly around each other amid the pandemic. singh says desire involves several processes and because there are many causes, there are also many potential solutions.
“at the beginning of quarantine, the closeness has proved helpful for many couples. but at this point, familiarity has bred contempt for countless duos,” he says.
to help spice things up in time of pandemic, singh guides couples through a ‘roleplay road approach’ that involves getting to know each other’s intimate fantasy, making up an ultimate fictional partner and telling your partner everything about that person — how they dress, speak, act and think. then, sexting before escalating the roleplay scenario to real life. this experience “will lend itself to a deeper relationship in the short term and better intimacy in the long run,” he says.
partners who experience mismatched sex drives might also benefit from singh’s ‘duplex approach’, which involves couples having deep conversations about their sexual desires and planning separate time blocks that focus on each partner at a time.
the bottom line is that out-of-sync libidos can strike when you least expect it. if you’re willing to put your own needs aside and focus on supporting your partner instead, you might be able to get your love life back on track.
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