'i couldn’t keep going down this path': st. john's woman battles drug addiction, fights for redemption
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brittany stockley and her puppy.
keith gosse/the telegram
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“from the time i was a teenager until i was arrested, i wholeheartedly believed that i would eventually die by suicide. i just didn’t know when, but i thought for sure that that’s how i’m going to die,” said brittany stockley.
the 35-year-old’s life today stands in stark contrast to the dark thoughts that once consumed her. but the road to recovery, resilience, and healing wasn’t always clear.
growing up in st. john’s with her sister and mother, stockley’s childhood was sheltered from the chaos of addiction.
that peace was shattered when her mother fell ill in 2001. on boxing day, when stockley was just 11, her mother was rushed to the hospital — forever altering the course of their lives.
“she thought that she would be in and out, but two weeks later, she was paralyzed from the neck down and in intensive care,” she recalled.
with no extended family willing to take them in, stockley and her sister were forced apart — her sister, then 15, entered youth services, while stockley was placed in foster care.
brittany stockley (left) with her mother, deane, and her twins, john and joey. supplied
“there was the trauma of my mom being sick, and i was too young to really understand what was happening. i couldn’t see her, didn’t know what was going on — and then there was the trauma of foster care on top of that. it just felt like a total failure of the system,” she said.
in one foster home, she experienced abuse, deepening the trauma she was already carrying from being separated from her family.
after a year, stockley returned home to her mother, who had made a recovery, but the damage had been done.
“i didn’t feel like i knew myself, and felt like i didn’t fit in,” she said.
descent into drugs
feeling outcast and disconnected, she gravitated toward others who, like her, were carrying their own pain.
“we kind of related on some traumas and some chaos going on in our lives,” she said.
that sense of belonging, though comforting, marked the start of a different kind of struggle.
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she began smoking marijuana and misusing her prescribed ritalin for adhd — choices that seemed small at the time but were significant.
over time, she noticed the ritalin was sought after by others in her circle.
“i didn’t even really like it,” she admits, “but i started selling it and experimenting with it — just to feel included.”
that need to fit in soon led her deeper into drug use. she moved on to acid, ecstasy, and percocet, convincing herself it was harmless teenage experimentation.
“i told myself i was young, just experimenting, having fun,” she said.
but it all changed the day she asked a friend for a pill from her late grandmother’s oxycontin prescription.
“i had said no before,” stockley remembered. “but the brain wants what it doesn’t have sometimes. that one time, i asked for it — and that’s when addiction really took hold.”
from that moment, oxycontin became a daily habit.
“i knew it could kill you. i’d seen the posters at school — the toe tag, the warnings — but it didn’t kill me. it felt good. it felt like it took away this weight i didn’t even realize i was carrying. i just felt… at peace,” she explained.
“within a week or two, i noticed i didn’t feel well. i was getting chills, feeling sick. without the pill, it was like i had the flu. but when i took it, i felt great again. it was like night and day.”
escalating addiction
stockley’s dependency on oxycontin evolved from simply enjoying the effects to a desperate need for it in order to avoid the sick feeling. as the pills became more expensive, often between $80 and $120, she found herself needing a full dose to feel the effects.
for about a year and a half, she struggled with this cycle before enrolling in a methadone program, which initially helped her stabilize.
during this time, stockley met a man who was also on methadone but appeared to have his life together.
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she became pregnant, but their relationship fell apart after he relapsed. despite the breakup, she continued to misuse medication and sell it for extra income.
“i was on income support and barely making ends meet,” she explained. “i was selling ritalin just to afford things like yogurt and pay someone to get my methadone.”
her misuse of medication led to a report to social services.
although she tried to cover it up, it was clear she was struggling. social services noticed her erratic behaviour, even if they couldn’t directly pin her drug use, and began to intervene.
stockley’s realization came when she lost her visitation rights with her daughter.
“this was the first time i said, ‘ok, this ritalin… you have to give it up. you can’t use it as income anymore.’”
determined to make a change, she sought a new treatment plan with her doctor and stayed sober for a month, rebuilding her relationship with her mother.
but when she tried to visit her daughter on mother’s day, things fell apart.
“i really wanted to see my daughter, and i couldn’t even get a telephone call with her,” she said.
this frustration led her back into addiction, and she injected drugs for the first time that day.
“from there on, i injected myself every day, multiple times, until i was arrested.”
stockley’s daily life with her partner and friend was consumed by drug use and paranoia.
“we’d be in psychosis,” she explained.
“my then-partner would be up in the window with a flashlight, thinking there were people outside. my friend would be in the closet hiding, trying to offer me cocaine to move a blanket because he thought someone was under it.”
the trio spent their days using drugs and stealing, with little else on their minds.
they’d leave the house multiple times a day to steal or get more drugs, only to return and repeat the cycle.
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“it was just constant, constant chaos,” stockley said.
this routine continued until her arrest in october 2015.
cocaine’s rising role in overdose fatalities
in newfoundland and labrador, recent data from the rcmp highlighted a troubling increase in overdose deaths, with cocaine emerging as the leading drug responsible for toxicity-related fatalities.
dr. nash denic (second from left), chief medical examiner for the province of newfoundland and labrador, discusses the rise of cocaine overdose deaths in newfoundland and labrador. recent seizures in this province have determined that current street-level quantities of cocaine are of an extremely high potency. photo by keith gosse/the telegram
according to the office of the chief medical examiner, there were 158 toxicity deaths between 2023 and 2024, with cocaine implicated in nearly half (49 per cent) of these deaths.
the purity of street-level cocaine has risen dramatically in recent years, now averaging between 94 to 96 per cent, compared to just 15 to 20 per cent in previous years.
this surge in purity has contributed to a sharp increase in overdose deaths, with an annual average of 36 cocaine-related fatalities in 2023-2024 — more than double the previous years’ average.
moment of clarity
stockley had been arrested twice before, but by that october, nearly 10 years ago, multiple warrants for shoplifting and fleeing the scene led to her final arrest.
after a week in lockup, still withdrawing from drugs, she was released, only to find her partner and friend using again. a couple of weeks later, she was arrested for the last time, receiving a six-month sentence.
in jail, conditions were harsh, with women withdrawing in poorly kept cells. to ease her withdrawal, stockley pretended to be pregnant to access the “pregnancy diet” that would provide sugar.
but when she learned she was actually pregnant — with twins — it marked a turning point.
“i was excited, but i was still having dreams of using cocaine,” she admitted. “i wanted to feel that shaky floor beneath me, that feeling of being so out of it i couldn’t walk without holding the walls.”
during an ultrasound, the screen was tilted away from her at first. when they turned it toward her, she saw two babies.
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“i felt human,” stockley reflected.
“because, oftentimes, people in active addiction aren’t treated like humans. even though i was cuffed to the bed, the guards and i chuckled — ‘we left with three and now five of us are coming back to the institution!’”
learning she was pregnant, especially with twins, made her rethink everything.
“it was a holy s**t moment,” stockley recalled. “i was high-risk, and i knew i couldn’t keep using. i was blessed with two babies. i couldn’t keep going down this path.”
once the drugs cleared from her system, stockley finally gained mental clarity.
“that’s when i realized how much my addiction had cost me — not just my freedom, but my relationship with my daughter.”
the realization that she had a future to build with her children helped shift her focus from the cravings of addiction to the hope of recovery.
turning a corner
after her release, stockley faced the challenge of staying sober while rebuilding her life.
she was fortunate to be connected with stella’s circle, an organization that offers support for individuals involved in the justice system, through the naomi centre — a homeless shelter where she had stayed 47 times.
while incarcerated, stockley had started participating in addiction therapy programs. she took what she learned, including mindfulness techniques and pros-and-cons lists about drug use, to heart.
these exercises helped her see the destructive costs of addiction.
upon her release, she quickly sought help, securing not one, but two counsellors: one for addiction and another for individual therapy, and began attending narcotics anonymous meetings every night.
“i was open about my addiction, even when it was painful. when they asked me about the things i’d done, i didn’t hold back. i said, ‘yes, i’ve used around my child. i’ve gone into bathroom stalls with my child in a stroller and sniffed a line behind their back.’ it was hard to admit, but i knew that if i was going to get through this, i had to be truthful, no matter how ugly it was,” she said.
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stockley’s focus on honesty and sobriety gave her the clarity needed to navigate everyday life. she learned how to advocate for herself without the impulse for immediate gratification.
“even when something tough happened, i couldn’t wait to talk to my counsellor. that became my focus — getting through it with a sober mind.”
regaining custody
nearly a decade into recovery, stockley said the real healing came once she learned to set and keep boundaries.
“sometimes i didn’t want to hold that boundary, but i did — and now i can look back and be proud i kept those promises to myself.”
when her twins were born, they didn’t come home with her. instead, her sister took custody for two months, giving stockley time to prove her commitment.
“i knew it wasn’t ideal, but i understood they needed to see consistency,” she said. “i stayed with my sister, kept going to programs, did every test, every visit. i wasn’t pretending to be sober — i was sober.”
by september 2016, just two months after the twins were born, she regained custody under a safety plan.
the day brittany had regained her parental rights of her children (pictured l-r: brittany and her son, john, stephanie clarke (sister), silver (niece), deane (mother), nixon (nephew), greg clarke (brother in-law) and her daughter, joey) supplied
the following spring, just as her case was set to close, her mother died unexpectedly.
“she’d just come to an na meeting to see me get my 18-month medallion,” stockley recalled. “she told me, ‘if i die now, i die a happy woman.’”
it was a turning point.
“i used to say i was getting clean for my kids. but i learned that if you put anything before your recovery, you risk losing it. i had to do it for me.”
self preservation
“before recovery, i was angry, aggressive — even mean at times — but my mom always said my biggest problem was actually my heart,” stockley said. “i just wanted to connect with people. i’d give someone my last few dollars, even if it meant going hungry myself, just to help them get to a better place.”
that generosity, she said, often came at her own expense.
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“recovery taught me i had to be selfish in a good way. i had to stop worrying about what other people thought and start doing things for me.”
almost a decade into sobriety, stockley still sees healing as a lifelong process.
“there were awful things that happened to me,” she said, “but that didn’t excuse the way i was acting. i had to recognize my role in making things harder for myself.”
she emphasized that recovery requires full commitment — “two feet in” — and that support systems must be ready and accessible when people hit their breaking point.
stockley also spoke about the failures she faced trying to access mental health support while in active addiction. she visited the waterford hospital three times while suicidal and was discharged each time within hours.
“early intervention could have changed everything,” she noted, stressing the need for immediate, practical supports — not just for individuals, but for families. “i was lucky to have my sister. a lot of people don’t have that. we need systems that don’t just take kids, but that help families stay together when it’s safe. that’s what gives moms a chance to fight for their lives.”
a life reclaimed
stockley’s outlook on her future has shifted dramatically since her recovery.
“i don’t even think about drugs anymore,” she said.
“for a long time, ‘play your tape through’ kept me going because i knew what would happen if i didn’t change. but now, when i get upset, i’ve built myself up to handle it. my cup is full.”
her focus is on the life she’s built, one that’s far different from the struggles of her past.
“i got sober because i wanted a better life. i stay sober because i got one,” she explained.
today, her life is filled with small joys that many might take for granted: she’s able to drop her kids off at cheerleading and soccer, and she enjoys quiet moments in her home, which she just bought with her partner.
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her concern for her children’s future remains.
“the drugs i was using were dangerous, but what kids are using now… it’s terrifying. i don’t want to let my kids out the door,” she said.
despite her own health challenges, which include a genetic connective tissue disorder and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (pots), stockley remains deeply grateful for the life she’s creating.
“i have a power wheelchair for days when i need it, but i’m thankful for everything,” she said. “i’ve had my license for eight years, and every time i get in my car, i feel amazed. i never thought i’d get here.”
stockley’s partner of three years has been a steady presence in her life.
“after some toxic past relationships, i’m thankful for what we have,” she added.
stockley has also faced challenges with co-parenting her daughter from a previous relationship. the complexities of court battles and a difficult co-parenting dynamic have made things tough, but she remains hopeful for her family’s future.
“the opposite of addiction is connection. we need to do more for people when they ask for help, not turn them away,” said stockley, who prefers to live a life filled with resilience and hope and continue to push forward, knowing that her past doesn’t define her future.
this article was originally published in the st. john’s telegram on april 30, 2025.
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